Friday, February 14, 2014

Update on the crazy

This morning, I had an appointment with Dr. Crocs.

I haven't seen him in 3 months, so this was the first he heard of my suicide attempt, hospitalization, and outpatient treatment. He was taken aback by the news, to put it mildly.

He also agreed with the bipolar diagnosis (again) and changed my medication, so I have some other withdrawals to look forward to. He's taking me off the Effexor all together because he said antidepressants may interfere with the mood stabilizers I now take.

He doubled my dose of lithium, saying that my current dose is like taking half of an antibiotic.

He also cut my Seraquil in half, which is fine with me because that one makes me really dizzy and tired. True, it's a sedative for the purpose of helping me sleep, but taking my current doses makes me black out as if I were drunk.

Finally, he prescribed Antabuse, which basically makes you projectile vomit if you consume alcohol. I have no intention of drinking, but this is just extra motivation because I'd rather chop off a finger than have to puke.

Dr. Crocs recommended I not mention the Antabuse to my A.A. family because many of them frown upon its use. Many of them frown upon medication for mental health, actually. But none of my medications are mind-altering, and they truly do help me cope with depression and anxiety (and now bipolar), so I'm not going to quit taking them.

Speaking of mind-altering, today is my 16th day of sobriety and I'm so, so grateful. I'm inching ever closer to my 30 day chip, which is going to be an epic milestone for me. Already, this is the longest I've gone without drinking in my entire adult life (except when recovering from my brain injury).

I'm feeling a happiness and freedom I don't remember ever experiencing before. And to top it all off, Nigel and I have decided to date only each other, so I have a Valentine today. His presence and support has gone a long way to helping me stay sober, and just knowing him gives me joy I haven't felt in a long time.

On this lovers' holiday, I can say without reservation that I feel loved by so many, and I'm so grateful.