Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Thankfully, The Turds Stayed Put

After work yesterday, I ran to the hardware store to buy a new plunger. Oddly embarrassing, standing in line at the cash register. I might as well have been wearing a sandwich board that said, "POOPS GIANT POOP! TOILET EMERGENCY!" The cashier commented about my purchase, "That's one of the most important tools you can have at home!" Thanks, I've already discovered that for myself.

One plumbing problem - the garbage disposal - was taken care of. The maintenance guy stopped by while we were at work and "dislodged the food stuck in the drain". So that was nice.
I entered the bathroom, plunger in hand, ready for battle, and was nearly bowled over by the stench. Seriously, who knew that one day sans flushing could result in such a terrible smell. It was go time.

I plunged away, not really seeing any progress, but unable to get a good look amidst the swirling shreds of toilet paper in the foggy water. I plunged some more. Then I decided to give it a go, and (with a trembling hand) I flushed the toilet. And stood there in horror as the water crept slowly up the bowl. I was momentarily frozen in place, trying to remember what to do in this situation. The situation where the disgusting toilet water was on the attack.

I threw the box of toilet paper from the lid of the tank, shoved the lid over as far as it would go, and reached into the darkness, grabbing blindly for any apparatus that might halt the onslaught of the merciless turd water. I felt something snap loose - NEVER A GOOD SIGN - and simultaneously knocked the plunger from it's perch in the bowl out onto the floor of the bathroom. Along with a big splash of toilet water.

I stood and watched as the water in the bowl began to subside, still holding the mystery apparatus in my hand, my arm bent at an odd angle under the lid of the tank. I surveyed the damage - wet socks, wet floor, wet shower curtain. Stench. Toilet paper bits littering the soggy floor. Wonderful!

Reluctantly, I let go of whatever I was holding onto in the tank and stepped back. The water stayed put. I removed the tank lid and put it on the floor so I could get a good look inside. I plunged again, and with zeal. It seemed like the plunger couldn't get a good seal going with the toilet bowl due to some strange curvature, but still I plunged away.

Finally, it seemed like I was making progress. I mustered all the courage I could find in my damp, smelly heart, and hit the flush lever again. Water from the tube in the tank sprayed the wall, and I dove to point it back into the tank. The clog was defeated!

Fortunately, I hadn't permanently broken anything in the tank, and I was able to reattach the hose thingy to the tube thingy after studying the inner workings of our other toilet down the hall. The cleanup was messy and violent, and we lost one good towel (and my socks) in the fray. But eventually, the carnage was cleared and the floor/tub/wall/toilet was sanitized. The plunger was left to dry in the bathtub, after which the tub was again sanitized.

I lit a candle in memory of our beloved blue towel (and to help with the smell), and ceremoniously dumped it into the trash. Never again would it dry shower-fresh bodies.

I know I'm the handy one in our house, but next time Gray clogs up the toilet, I am so making him deal with the fallout.


  1. OK, first, STOP posting about poop and turds! It makes me laugh like hell but the mental image in this one (and the smell recollection... yes, I've had those day-old clogs before), coupled with my already weak stomach, made me throw up a little in my mouth. Ugh. Recalling it made me do it again.

    Second, I LOVED how you made sure to get it in, almost as an afterthought, that it was GRAY who clogged the toilet. That made up for the throwing up bit. Sort of.

  2. You clog it, you clear it. House rules.

  3. That's just wrong!
    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  4. Once Mark flooded the master bathroom toilet and it overflowed into the bedroom. I just laid in bed and watched the water creep closer and closer to me (fortunately we didn't have carpeting, or we would have had to move). I waited until he got the water all cleaned up and the toilet back under control before I got out of bed and sanitized the entire bathroom, the bedroom floor, and the living room ceiling, which was under our bedroom, and which had no visible signs of toilet water, but you can never be too careful with toilet germs.

    I laughed so much about your predicament here(and due to allergies I currently have this horrible Snagglepuss heh heh heh laugh) that I apparently drove Mark into the other room.

  5. HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHA! I seriously just pissed my pants. Sorry for the turd water, but it made for a great read.

  6. I think I sprayed it with Lysol. Fortunately it wasn't a very big ceiling...

  7. Reminds me of times when I've flushed and watched the water level rise slowly towards the top of the bowl, my heart gripped in fear as I wondered whether the water - and all the foul stuff in the water - would flow over onto the carpet (What kind of idiot has carpet in the toilet? Me!).

    Glad to hear it worked out ok.

    Re plungers - here's a big buying tip: "Quality remains long after price is forgotten."

  8. Well done indeed! I like me a handy chick. I hope Gray knows what he's got!

  9. Shouldn't have read that so soon after eating a steak.
    Now I feel the need to go potty.

  10. Never had a man who could plunge worth a shit. Pun intended. It really is a woman's skill set.

  11. I can't believe you tossed the towel!
    You totally could have hand washed it in the bathtub then threw it in the washer a couple of times with a little bleach. Good as new. Believe me, kids poop on their clothes all the time and they still own them. I even use cloth diapers, so I have to deal with that mess all the time and they go right into the washing machine after I rinse them first. They come out smelling yummy as can be.

  12. We spent a bajillion dollars getting new toilets put in last year. On the plus side, those bastards can swallow a carpet and keep going.

  13. You should eat considerably less Red Meat.
    Your life would improve greatly and your toilet would be unclogged and your rectum would be less sore.
    Besides, there's nothing very sexy about giant turds.
    Especially in Minnesota.

  14. Note to self: Add plunger to growing list of house necessities.
    Fun story- sorry the towel and socks had to be sacrificed in the process.

  15. Teri stole my comment. Vinegar also does wonders for washing out poop and pee smells. And we get a lot of pee smelling clothes in this house.

  16. What a great description of an awful event, but then I've always enjoyed toilet humor!

    ....don't look at me like that - you were expecting Shakespere from a guy who ponders saving frozen boogers in a freezer? :)


  17. Crap. I'm screwed if this ever happens to me, b/c we only have one toilet. Best leave the man-jobs to the men, Cat!

  18. Poop water is disgusting. I've had my share of plunger battles, some which I didn't win. Glad you got control of it... RIP blue towel.

  19. YOU'RE the handy one! LOL!!!

  20. This story was wonderful!! LOL

    Oh, the blue towel. I woulda bleached it a few times and ended up with a good 'tye-dyed' towel for cleaing dumb things like the bar B Que lid.


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