Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Broccoli and Hair - An Affront to Mankind

I've begun to notice that I must shave every single day to avoid looking like I haven't shaved in 2 weeks. I have not done due diligence with my legs though, because it's been a chilly late summer here and I'm wearing pants every day anyway. This might be changing soon, however. A friend of mine has convinced me that the only way I'll be comfortable for the next 6 weeks or more is to buy SKIRTS! and lots of them. At this time, I literally do not own one skirt aside from my wedding dress, and frankly that is just to fancy to wear to the office every day.

I went shopping to find a dress on Saturday. I've got a girlfriend who's FINALLY getting married next weekend, and I needed to find something appropriate to wear to a nice, Catholic wedding. Unfortunately, I appear to be at that stage of my pregnancy where absolutely nothing fits properly. Every dress I tried on was bursting at the waist seams; however, the boob area of said dress would hang off of my meager chest in folds. (It seems my bust is not keeping up with my waist these days...) So I broke down and tried on a lovely pink maternity top which I had happened to see on a previous visit to the store and thought it was super cute. I also tried on some of the pants just to, you know, see what all the fuss is about. Many of the mommy bloggers have mentioned that they pull out the ole maternity jeans the moment they get a positive on the E.P.T. Well in my case "chubby" clearly does not equal "big enough to look pregnant or to wear the maternity clothes, ha ha ha you moron!"

So I relayed my tale of woe to my BFF Jill and to another mommy friend of mine. BFF Jill just laughed her ass off at my expense, which was super helpful! I think she's finally glad that I'm going through what she's gone through 4 times and saying 'told you so!'. My other mommy friend said she went through the same thing when she was pregnant a couple of years ago. Her solution? SKIRTS! She said she already owned a couple of hippie skirts (I'm assuming she means the kind that are long and shapeless and generally have a pattern that you have to be high to appreciate), but that she also got a great deal at Old Navy on some cute skirts that actually fit and made her waist look reasonably proportional to her shoulders, so she bought one in every color. She said those terrible gaucho pants were also popular at the time, but that she refused to wear them on principal.

So it looks like I will be headed to Old Navy and some other stores before too long. Hopefully this terribly weather warms up until mid-October so I can justify going bare-legged another month or so. The downside to the skirts, of course, is that because of some major raging hormones I will have to shave my legs every single damn day. I would advise everyone, including my loving Gray, to stay the heck away from my killer armpit hairs. They have come to take over the earth, and they just might do it - my razor appears to be powerless to stop them.

Speaking of raging hormones, I had a bit of a meltdown last week. And by "a bit of a meltdown", I mean I broke the fuck down and bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes, alone, in between bites of Taco Bell, and laughing at how ludicrous I was being. Knowing it was a huge overreaction did nothing to stifle the sobs, however. I was swept away in a wave of self-pity, nausea and exhaustion. Oh, and snot and stuff.

I was returning home from school at about 10pm when The Hunger showed up and started beating up my stomach. The Hunger punched me in the balls several times and then it started doing somersaults in my brain. I had planned to make a quick meal upon returning home, but quickly realized there was no time for that kind of nonsense. So I hauled ass to Taco Bell and ordered the usual: one hard shell taco and one bean burrito with extra extra onions (the arm pit hair is not the only reason you might want to avoid me these days).

Food in hand, I thought I would be just fine waiting until I was on my own comfy couch before chowing down, but on the walk from my car to the front door of the building, there was a moment there where I was pretty sure I was either going to puke or pass out right there on the sidewalk. I actually wondered to myself how long I would have to lay there before someone saw me and came to help. Luckily, I made it to my apartment without either puking or passing out, but when I opened the door and stepped inside, the smell of BROCCOLI smacked me across the face and made my stomach roll again.

DAMN BROCCOLI! It was in the garbage can, where I had put it the night before because the smell made me sick and there was no way that broccoli was going onto my salad. So I threw it out and forgot all about it. Well, now the entire apartment smelled like broccoli and it was all I could do not to run away screaming in the other direction.

Gray was out for a boy's night and The Hunger was kicking my ass. I was exhausted from a long day at work and stressed out by my night class. I had driven 45 minutes home, nearly been sick on the walk inside, and now I was alone in my smelly apartment and I just lost my shit right then and there. I had a nice little sob fest in my taco.

Since that breakdown, I have shaved my arm pits 6 times. SIX WHOLE TIMES. Amazing the things that pregnancy has done to my body, and lucky for me I'm just getting started! Fortunately, there's a good reason for going through all of this - an amazing, awesome reason - and right about now, that reason is about the size of a grape. I love my little grape!