I do a lot of paper filing for my job. In this technologically advanced day and age, one wouldn't think one would have so many fucking papers to file, but alas: one does. So what I'm wondering, is should be embarrassed that in order to file said papers, I have to sing the alphabet song in my head? Repeatedly, as in over and over?
Let's think about that for a moment, shall we? I've graduated high school and finished 4 years of undergraduate college level classes. That's, like (counts on fingers), 16 years of school. And I have to sing the damn alphabet song in my head to remember if R comes before Q, or if U is T's bitch or is it the other way around, and don't even get me started on the whole M and N mess.
I'm going to blame this staggering intellectual deficiency on the one year of homeschooling, when I mastered the art of showering several times per day and majored in talking to myself, but fell tragically behind in the more useful areas of math and vocabulary. And not being a total freak.
Also, goddamn if I didn't just realize that people who make their living as accounts payable specialists should be good at math, or at least on friendly terms with it. Dude, math hates me. He sent me a threatening email just this morning. I just failed my algebra test on Thursday so I'm going to have to file a civil suit against math for making terroristic threats, and also for forcing the quadratic formula upon mankind.
So now we've established that I'm an finger-counting, alphabet-singing, math-hating, litigious asshole who depends solely on spell check before using certain words like subconscious and embarrassed. ((Although I will say that thanks to my new friend C.S. Perry http://rookedagain.blogspot.com/ I now have a new word, and I might even know what it means. Sort of. Which totally makes me perspicacious. Maybe.)) I might also have issues with punctuation, but I feel that "correct" punctuation is subjective; :: ",! and should be used at the discretion of the writer to put EMPHASIS on the **important, :: "points". Of course, I am also lazy, so it behooves me to assume my punctuation is correct. It's way easier than looking it up. And let's be real: so long as I don't confuse your with you're and its with it's, I'm good to go.
Perhaps this is just a symptom of the times - the times in which computers rule the world(making it unnecessary to spell words correctly), and accountants use software and calculators because they can't add. Which, in that case, never mind about the whole thing. I'm going to go finish smoking that joint now.
I, myself, have taken out a restraining order on Math. He's not allowed within 50 feet of me at any time.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as for smoking joints, that was my major in college.
And...for my money, you're plenty perspicacious.
I majored in drinking and one night stands. In fact I have an advanced degree thankyouverymuch.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am writing something with a pen and a piece of paper, I occasionally catch myself watching the word I have just written to see if I spelled it right.
ReplyDeleteThen I remember that I am a complete idiot and spellcheck is not in fact wandering free in the universe to save me from the heartbreak of bad spelling.
Hmm. My mom has been an accountant for law firms and production companies for thirty years, and if you ask her what 6x7 is she just stares blankly. She's so used to doing math with her fingers now that she literally can't compute anything without a calculator.
ReplyDeleteI had my own bookkeeping business for a few years, and I'm better than she is, but not much.
And as a freelance editor, The Chicago Manual of Style is my best friend. I refer to it constantly.
And I do the alphabet thing too.