Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Indegestion or The Plague?

Call me kooky - everyone else does - but I am a little concerned about this article I found on Yahoo news yesterday. Ok, I'm a huge bit concerned. Freaking terrified.

I am not naive. I read The Stand like 4 times. I know our government has laboratories that house germs like Ebola and Marburg and Anthrax. I have made my peace with the knowledge that someday, some science guy (because women are much too selfless to do something like this, right?) is going to prick his finger through the 18 gloves he's wearing while testing some bat guano germ from the Congo, and he's going to panic because he knows he's going to die in a really grotesque manner within like 7 days, so he's going to pretend like he didn't prick his finger and he's going to walk out of the building. He'll be telling himself he's just being paranoid - He's worked with these germs for decades and nothing like this has ever happened, there's no chance he's infected, and if he IS infected...well then he's going to go home and say goodbye to his family and die with dignity instead of in some quarantine cell all alone and in secret.

I know it could happen because Stephen King said so.

So Mr. Scientist is going to casually stroll out of the building and he's going to drive across the country and when he gets to the desert he'll be so sick that he'll crash into some gas pumps at a remote service station, and then everyone there will be infected, and they will all go home and infect everyone they have contact with. It won't be long before we all die and the world is over (except for the people who are immune - for some reason I'm thinking Will Smith will be among them) and then they have to fight against evil for control of the empty globe and Satan will mate with a creepy actress and all hell will break lose. And that Blue Oyster Cult song will be played 24 hours a day on every radio station until there is only one faint signal. That last surviving DJ will be chain smoking and ranting about conspiracy until he's gunned down by the last government agency for inciting riots and panic. Except that there are only a handful of people left on earth and they're a little beyond panic at this point and just trying to wade through all the dead bodies.

Screw nuclear bombs people - we are all going to die of an incurable infection and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Although now that I think about it, the chances are probably 50/50 germs or Republicans. (Just kidding! It's more like 40/60!)

But reading this particular article made my skin crawl. I'm no expert on bio-hazardous materials, but I'm guessing that we maybe should have a guard or two on duty at these laboratories. Or perhaps, you know, a whole fucking battalion of robot guards who are all programmed to shoot anyone who looks suspicious and cannot be bent by the weaknesses of the human conscience. Because if those incurable germs get out, it's all over my friends. If you don't believe me, read The Hot Zone and be prepared for extreme paranoia every time you have a headache or a stomachache, because you know those are the first signs that you're infected. And you know you've only got maybe a week after that. And OMG we're all going to die. And then you'll go right ahead and waste all your good pot.

I IMPLORE our military or government or whoever runs the labs to seal those fucking places up immediately. I do not want to die by hemorrhaging internally thank you very very much. I would really much rather drink myself into the grave at a leisurely pace.