Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Clearly Not What You People Are Looking For

Google Analytics. Demonstrating daily (with graphs! charts! primary colors!) that I am most definitely not what you people are looking for. I have a very high bounce rate, and while I know that sounds like a great thing to the lay people, I can assure you that in Blog Land, a high bounce rate is not a desirable thing. We want people to pull up a chair and stay a while. Kick around our blog. Read our archives. Be inspired to lick their monitors.

Also...I'm beginning to think that either you people are the speediest of the speed readers, or you just scroll down to the comment section and mark your territory without actually reading my posts. Because the average time spent on my site is like 1 minute and 4 seconds. Now I KNOW I'm more long-winded that 1 minute 4 seconds will allow for, but I'm going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt because your time is being averaged with that of the people who stop by here accidentally.

People like those two dozen or so who were sent to this post by doing a Google search for "XXX". I'm pretty sure those folks were disappointed when they arrived here at my blog. Which is awesome! Because as much as I love me some porn, I feel that if you want real quality money shots (which by the way are NOT the hottest part of the flick for women, at least women I know), you have to invest a little money. Perhaps begin an at-home collection of your own. Surfing the web for porn is bound to result in viruses on your computer. Cyber STDs burn more than you might imagine.

This one has me totally stumped: "gage gift shit pills". I know I've said all four of those words here, but I don't think they go together logically as something that person was looking for.

"Shit" and "gift"? Sure, of course.

"Gift" and "pills"? Probably.

But those four together, in that sequence. I just can't imagine what that person was trying to find, nor why (when I tried it myself) it might be common enough that there are 211,000 hits on Google. Is this some kind of thing the kids are doing now? Because I'm all about trying new things involving shit. Or pills.

This one is my favorite because...well...because don't we ALL really want to know the answer to this question?

"what is katherine getting me for my birthday in bentonville that probably costs less than 100 dollars and is awesome apparently".

I can tell that person, from experience, that anything katherine may have bought you in bentonville for under $100? Came from Wal-mart.

I'm just saying, keep the receipt if you want any chance in hell of returning it.