there was this giant puma, and it was trying to eat this baby, so i jumped on its back (the puma, not the baby), and i went for the jugular because everyone knows its the only way to kill a giant magical puma, but then this evil ninja chopped me in the leg so i had to kill him with my bare hands, and while i was choking the evil ninja, the puma called his anaconda spirit guide which swallowed me whole, and i had to kick my way out of his belly, meanwhile a kidnapper ran away with the baby so i had to swim after him through shark-infested icy waters...
that's the explanation i posted on facebook yesterday - i would have come up with a different (but equally awesome) explanation for you people here, but i'm all frustrated with the one-handed typing process.
the true story is that since yesterday's forecast called for the temperature to hit 60 degrees, i decided to ride my bike to work.
at 6:45 a.m.
in the dark.
turns out there was a slick spot on the sidewalk and both tires went sideways out from under me at the same time. i decided to play the whole "stop gravity with my twiggy arm" game, and gravity was victorious in that match up. x-rays confirmed a broken radius bone in my left wrist.
i am wearing a temporary fiberglass splint (which makes me feel kinda like a ronald mcdonald statue you see on benches sometimes)((or a boat, depending on when i took my percoset)) until my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on friday. there was mention of a plaster cast, as well as hints about the possible need for a metal pin to hold everything together. all i heard was "blah blah blah METAL DEATH PIN FROM HELL".
i have an important decision to make now, interwebnet, and I NEED YOUR HELP! on friday, i might make the most important decision i've ever made about my personal health: i must pick a color for my plaster cast.
should i go with flowers? day-glo orange? black? minnesota twins logo? i need an outside perspective on this issue. a white cast will look too dirty, and i'm already pretty skeeved out by the semi-permanence of the germs i'll be dealing with. i don't intend to let anyone sign the cast, because with my luck some dink will draw a cock and balls, and i'll have to tell my boss it's a space ship.
so please leave color suggestions in the comment section. and be forewarned that if they have a bacon cast, that's my first choice.
and now, a list of things i can no longer do by myself:
- floss my teeth (gray is getting me floss picks so i don't freak out over this one)
- put on a bra
- wash my hands (the back is unreachable without a second hand)
- tie my shoes
- cut up food (must use the stab-and-gnaw method)
- use a towel to dry off after a shower
- pull my hair back into a ponytail or the like
i'm hoping that once the pain - the great, burning fire in my arm that makes my skin hot and my fingers fat, the white-colored pain that keeps me awake at night and has me ::this:: close to puking - once the pain subsides, i'll be able to use the bum hand as leverage, to push against things with it or prop things up with it.
i might even be able to beat people with it, and that will help negate the embarrassment of this whole mess.
Oh, sweety, that's so sad... hahahahahaha
ReplyDeleteAhem, sorry.
You're pretty much a superhero for surviving that. I vote for the cock and balls one. Oh wait..I read that wrong... that WASN'T an option. Too bad.
ReplyDeleteUgh... what a nightmare. Black.. totally black... shows less dirt.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I'm thinking that there are a fair few other things that Gray can do for you... I'm just sayin.
ReplyDeleteI vote skin colored. I don't just mean fleshy-toned, I mean imitation skin, with little hairs and freckles and veins. To camouflage the cast. Do they have that? If not, then maybe they can wrap it up in real skin, like Silence of the Lambs arm sushi. Then nobody will even notice you have a cast. Probably.
ReplyDeleteDecide what you are wearing Friday to our awesome girls night away and match accordingly.
ReplyDeleteBra's are so restrictive anyway.
ReplyDeleteI would go with grey for the cast color, that's the color it will end up being in a couple weeks, might as well just start it out that way.
I had a blue cast when I broke my ankle. It was awesome! But I wear a lot of blue.
ReplyDeleteON second thought..
ReplyDeletewhat Michelle said.
orange!
ReplyDeleteorange you glad i helped you with that decision?
my husband broke his radius last year while mountain biking (I heard that the flip he did was awesome!) He had surgury and now has a 6 inch metal plate in his arm. He is also twice as old as you and his bones needed more support. He was home from work for a MONTH! He really upset my routine being home and his arm got in the way of everything. He broke lots of dishes trying to "help" around the house. I was so glad when he could go back to work. anyway, to your original question about color. I think you should go for a sickly green color. This will match the color of your face when you see the bill for all this.
ReplyDeletePink. Because it is so not you. Like your broken wrist.
ReplyDeleteAnd a plaster cast is awesome for beating the crap out of people. When it is pink and all dainty-girly looking, they don't even see it coming.
Sounds painful. And makes me happy to NOT ride a bike.
ReplyDeleteAs for the color, go for a rainbow stripe. It'll make people wonder.
ha. I would totally draw a cock and balls on your cast. sorry.
ReplyDeleteDo they have one with fire ants? It will make sense to your brain when your arm starts to itch.
ReplyDeleteBasic black - goes with everything.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear this. Get better soon. Try using it to get more meals cooked for you or as an excuse to eat out for the next several weeks guilt-free?
bacon casts?! They have that? Uh, go with the bacon for SHIZZLE!
ReplyDeleteI'd stick with black. It's slimming. Not that your arm is fat--I'm not saying that at all. Don't beat me with your black cast, please. I'm saying a fat cast needs all the help it can get.
And black is emo. So people will leave you the eff alone and stop asking. And no one will be able to sign it anyways.
I once nearly brained myself doing the same thing, riding my bike in the Spring.
ReplyDeleteI would go with black, edgy, hip, and hides the dirt.
I say black too. But I wear only black anymore. And it goes with everything.
ReplyDeleteGo black and string some LED lights around it.
ReplyDeleteBacon?
ReplyDeleteAre you crazy?
So that you can gnaw your own arm off?
I don't think so.
My last cast was matched appropriately to my Midnight Blue sequined prom dress and dyed satin pump. But if I had it to do over again, I would wear it loud and proud.
Pastels for Easter maybe?
Oh man, I hate the "stop gravity with my twiggy arm" game, I've tried that a few times. Lost every time.
ReplyDeleteDon't chose any casts that glow in the dark, unless it has an "OFF" switch for sleepy time. And, just a tip, get a thin-under-cast-ichy-tool now, before under-your-cast-arm starts to itch like a crazy fucker.
I hope you feel better soon!
As a former BMX racer, I am unable to stifle the urge to laugh. As your friend, I must say how sorry I am and how bad that fucking sucks. Like you needed something else going on in your life.
ReplyDeleteCan you get a picture of yourself monogrammed on the cast? Or a picture of me?
I was thinking you could always cut the foot off knee-high stockings, and wear a fabric sleeve on it. Argyle would be awesome. You need better drugs.
ReplyDeleteAw baby! You poor thing. But at least it isn't your vibrator hand. You are a rightie, right?
ReplyDeleteI say pink. I always wanted a pink cast.
I hope you feel better soon sweets!
Black goes with everything, and nobody can draw a cock & balls on it.
ReplyDeleteNot that I've faced this particular dilemma before. Really.
NOT the Twins logo! GO TIGERS
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to make a suggestion, or two. Ok two:
ReplyDelete1. Hire someone to type blog entries for you.
2. Or get the software where you talk to your computer and it types for you.
Ok 3:
3. Find a good friend, like your Jill, to type blog entries for you.
Ok make it 4:
4. Or a good friend who can talk into software for you, that won't sound drunk, because they aren't on pain killers.
OMG- ouch!!! That blows. As far as color goes, please keep in mind that we are heading into spring. That being said, don't get anything too dark that will absorb the sun and make you even hotter (as in sweatier not sexier) sorry.
ReplyDeleteHot Pink. Really Hot Hurt Your Eyes When You Look At It Pink. I will distract people and they won't be able to see the dirt and germs.
ReplyDeleteOH gawd Cat! I say black, but that's just cause it's my favorite color.
ReplyDeleteAsk if they have glitter. Glitter makes any girl feel special. My kid got glitter in her cast when she broke her wrist falling off her bike (on her dad's watch not mine) at age 3, and she loved it so much that she kept it after they cut it off.
ReplyDeleteI think pink with glitter for you. HA!
I'm laughing... not at your pain, but your humor! Love it!
ReplyDeleteOkay, here's what you have to do. Find the biggest, baddest mofo on your block and beat him to death with your broken limb. It's going to hurt like hell, but it's the only way to get your street cred back. Believe me, I'm a street cred professional.
ReplyDelete(If I were unable to pull my hair back into a ponytail, I would go absolutely mad. HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?)
As much as it super sucks about your arm and the ER screw-ups and the smell....the Puma/spirit guide/ninja story is pretty awesome.
ReplyDelete