Tuesday, March 17, 2009

i've got negative street cred now

so if you're wondering what happened to me yesterday, here's the short version:

there was this giant puma, and it was trying to eat this baby, so i jumped on its back (the puma, not the baby), and i went for the jugular because everyone knows its the only way to kill a giant magical puma, but then this evil ninja chopped me in the leg so i had to kill him with my bare hands, and while i was choking the evil ninja, the puma called his anaconda spirit guide which swallowed me whole, and i had to kick my way out of his belly, meanwhile a kidnapper ran away with the baby so i had to swim after him through shark-infested icy waters...

that's the explanation i posted on facebook yesterday - i would have come up with a different (but equally awesome) explanation for you people here, but i'm all frustrated with the one-handed typing process.

the true story is that since yesterday's forecast called for the temperature to hit 60 degrees, i decided to ride my bike to work.

at 6:45 a.m.

in the dark.

turns out there was a slick spot on the sidewalk and both tires went sideways out from under me at the same time. i decided to play the whole "stop gravity with my twiggy arm" game, and gravity was victorious in that match up. x-rays confirmed a broken radius bone in my left wrist.

i am wearing a temporary fiberglass splint (which makes me feel kinda like a ronald mcdonald statue you see on benches sometimes)((or a boat, depending on when i took my percoset)) until my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on friday. there was mention of a plaster cast, as well as hints about the possible need for a metal pin to hold everything together. all i heard was "blah blah blah METAL DEATH PIN FROM HELL".

i have an important decision to make now, interwebnet, and I NEED YOUR HELP! on friday, i might make the most important decision i've ever made about my personal health: i must pick a color for my plaster cast.

should i go with flowers? day-glo orange? black? minnesota twins logo? i need an outside perspective on this issue. a white cast will look too dirty, and i'm already pretty skeeved out by the semi-permanence of the germs i'll be dealing with. i don't intend to let anyone sign the cast, because with my luck some dink will draw a cock and balls, and i'll have to tell my boss it's a space ship.

so please leave color suggestions in the comment section. and be forewarned that if they have a bacon cast, that's my first choice.

and now, a list of things i can no longer do by myself:
  • floss my teeth (gray is getting me floss picks so i don't freak out over this one)
  • put on a bra
  • wash my hands (the back is unreachable without a second hand)
  • tie my shoes
  • cut up food (must use the stab-and-gnaw method)
  • use a towel to dry off after a shower
  • pull my hair back into a ponytail or the like

i'm hoping that once the pain - the great, burning fire in my arm that makes my skin hot and my fingers fat, the white-colored pain that keeps me awake at night and has me ::this:: close to puking - once the pain subsides, i'll be able to use the bum hand as leverage, to push against things with it or prop things up with it.

i might even be able to beat people with it, and that will help negate the embarrassment of this whole mess.