Amusement

at the movie theater

Me, eyeing a poster for this upcoming flick: "Hmmm, I've never heard of this movie before."

5 Head, with authority: "You wouldn't like that. It looks scary."

Me, incredulous: "I like scary movies sometimes."

5 Head: "No you don't. Gray is the one who likes scary movies."

Me, laughing: "True, but I like them too. It's fun to be scared sometimes."

5 Head, to himself: "You like scary movies AND you don't like sour cream. HOW ARE YOU RELATED TO ME!?"

***

in the kitchen

Me, to 5 Head, hovering in the vicinity of the food prep: "Hey, do you want to help me make cookies later?"

5 Head: "No, but when you're at the store, don't forget to buy a fire extinguisher."

Me: "Why do I need to buy a fire extinguisher?"

5 Head, sassy: "You just can't be too careful with YOU in the kitchen..."

Me, offended and amused in equal parts: "WHAT? I've been cooking every meal for you for a week! I haven't needed a fire extinguisher yet!"

5 Head, clearly not convinced, shrugs his shoulders and exits, stage left.

***

via text

5 Head, "texting" me at work from his Yahoo email: "Text me when you get home so I can come let you in the front door."

Me: "Okay, I will be leaving in half an hour."

5 Head: "ARE YOU DRIVING NOW? Because you shouldn't text me back if you're driving."

Me: "No, I'm still at work. For another half an hour."

5 Head: "Okay, good."

Me: "Did you go swimming today?

5 Head, matter of factly: "Yep! Angel Butt nearly drowned."

Me, freaking the fuck out: "WHAT?! IS SHE OKAY?!"

5 Head, taking his time: "She was on the top step and tried to jump to me, but I was too far away so she went under the water for 2 to 4 seconds."

Me, resisting the urge to murder him: "So she didn't 'nearly drown', she just went under the water for 2 to 4 seconds."

5 Head: "Right. She came up laughing."