Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Gay & Gay, In Different Ways

During a thunderstorm last weekend, Gray sought out the shelter of our garage in order to have a smoke, and he happened to glance up and see a gigantic raccoon come waddling across the deck and down the stairs towards him, presumably looking for shelter. It disappeared under my parked car. His first reaction was, "Shit! What do I do? WHAT DO I DO!?" (manly, huh?). Then he decided not to jump out and roar or make other noise or startle the animal away, but instead - get this - to just ignore the raccoon. Pretend it wasn't there at all. Hope it would go away without any man-raccoon interaction whatsoever. Moments later, he saw the big guy come waddling out from underneath the car, heading in the direction of the open garage door, so he pretended not to see it, like it was some kind of accidental run-in with an ex-girlfriend at a bar: I see you, I think you look about as mean and contagious as I remember, so I'm going to make believe that you're just part of the scenery and hope you happen to notice me and just waddle away. Apparently, that's exactly what happened. The raccoon saw he was not alone in the garage, made a slow and deliberate about-face, and disappeared back under my car. I wonder if this will work on my mother?

So we finally watched Twilight on Friday, Gray and I, and when it was over, he looked at me and said, "I'm embarrassed by how much I liked that movie." And then the very next day, he googled the New Moon trailer and played it for (himself) me. Then he rewound the trailer because he didn't catch the release date. Then he asked if Jacob would have a larger role in New Moon because that's what the trailer suggested, and he said he liked Jacob just as much as he likes Edward, and he hopes Jacob is in the next movie a lot. Like, a LOT lot. That's when I began to worry about the fact that he didn't mention any of the chicks in the movie, and so I told him that, for the sake of his manhood, I was going to pretend like he did not just ask me that question, but then he kind of whined until I gave in. Then he speculated on whether it would be called "New Moon" or "Twilight: New Moon", because apparently that is an important distinction (In case you're wondering, he thinks it'll be subtitled like the Lord of the Rings series). And later still, he asked if it would be "weird" for us to watch Twilight two nights in a row. Strangely, I feel vindicated for all those times Gray conned me into wasting my life, 15 minutes at a time, watching episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

My car is back in the shop. Again. Possibly with a leaking water pump, possibly with a legion of stick-wielding demons, and despite the fact that I've already paid a mechanic to fix those problems and despite the fact that the mechanic did not fix those problems (apparently, they fixed other, non-check-engine-light-causing problems), I am not freaking out. It is surreal. And yesterday, someone said, "You sure must be having a great day today," and when I asked why she thought so, she told me I seemed extra, ultra, vomit-inducing happy - that I was just about squirting happiness everywhere, and then I wondered where exactly happy juice comes from, but I figured it must be my mouth because that's the only place I can squirt from and not be arrested. For reals, ya'll.

I think I've been replaced by a pod person.