Monday, December 21, 2009

Christ. And Not In The Good Way.

Gray and I decided to celebrate our Christmas together on Friday for several reasons, one of which being PRESENTS! Why wait when you can NOT wait? Right?

Also, I didn't feel like making dinner.

And also we are driving to Arkansas on Wednesday night to celebrate the holidays with familial torture and pubescent flash backs, which means there were gifts between Gray and I which should not be given in view of my Arkansas relations, not to mention baby Jesus, who seems to reside at my mother's house. Along with my dead step-grandfather and a few cats. She's got a thing for ghosts, my mother.

So we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants because I had a coupon. And also because it was CHRISTMAS! On Friday! This was our first time going out to eat together since $2 taco night in July, and unfortunately I am not exaggerating. Goddamn debt reduction plan.

So because it was CHRISTMAS! Gray was able to order a huge bacon cheeseburger and fries without technically cheating on his diet (although I believe those several dozen McDonald's bags on the floor of his truck ::might:: be an issue) and I was finally able to order the Grandfather Of Vodka Beverages for the first time in my life: a vodka martini. Dirty, of course.

And I must say, it was not unlike swallowing a mouthful of ocean water, except not the sparkling blue kind of ocean water you find the Caribbean, but the kind you might encounter at Seal Beach on one of those days when the city has posted "Swimming Prohibited" signs because some guy at the waste treatment plant accidentally sent all the raw sewage down the wrong pipe, and there's a bleach bottle floating along the shore line, and the seaweed is neon yellow.

It was like that. PLUS VODKA. And it wasn't just one mouthful, but sip after sip after godforsaken sip of the shit until finally dinner was over and we were ready to leave but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I MUST FINISH MY $15 SEA WATER BEFORE WE GO! Because of the budget, of course. And also because booze is booze, you know what I mean?

Actually, I kid. Not about the nastiness of the martini, but about how much it cost. We hit up the restaurant at the remarkably geriatric hour of 5 p.m. which allowed us to be seated immediately AND to order our 1/2 price happy hour drinks. With my coupon for one free entree, our entire CHRISTMAS! dinner (2 drinks, 1 appetizer, 2 entrees) came to $26.43. How's that for holiday spirit, baby Jesus?

Now we prep for our impending 12-hour drive through forecasted snow and ice into the depths of the Bible belt/Incest Land in order to "worship the Lord Jesus for coming to the earth as a baby and to become the bridge over which people can receive eternal life instead of the eternal death we deserve for our sins," in my mother's words.

Which she sent via text. At 8:30 a.m. Before my first cup of coffee.

In case you were wondering, she is also praying for Gray and I to, "have a safe journey here and a safe journey to God's throne when you leave this life on Earth."

It's like she doesn't even WANT us to show up.