Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Is It Too Early To Metion Rape?

I bought this toy for a "toddler girl" on the Giving Tree at work.

On my drive to work this morning, I kept hearing mysterious voices and clunking sounds and I'd whip my head around to look in the back seat because OHMYGOD I'm living that urban legend about the guy with the hatchet and where the hell is the car that's supposed to flash its lights and warn me of my impending Death By Escaped Lunatic With Axe?!

Did I mention Gray and I watched a marathon of Paranormal State before bed last night? Because we're brilliant. How either one of us has avoided over-breeding for so many years is beyond me.

I didn't sleep AT ALL, but when I did, I dreamt I woke up several hours late for work but that's ok, I realized, because I'd just been RAPED the night before and then found a severed hand in the attacker's house. So surely my boss would understand.

So anyway (shake your head to clear that imagery) back to the car - Finally I realize it's the damn toy talking to me and not some otherworldly being (THREE TO ONE, HEATHER, THREE TO ONE!!!!!!!!!)((that would only make sense if you happen to have seen that very same episode of Paranormal State, so WOO HOO to that one guy in Poughkeepsie!)) and I breathe a sigh of relief and resume actually paying attention to the road instead of the back seat, and I think it's all over. Which I should know by now from all the horror movies I've seen that it's NEVER over, especially when you think it's over.

Because now I'm sitting in my silent office listening to this fucking thing say, "BEADLEY BEEP!! BEADLEY BEEP!! BYE BYE!! BYE BYE!!" over and over and over and over and over...and there's no "off" button and I'm not touching or moving or even breathing on the fucking thing, but still it's all, "BEADLEY BEEP! BYE FUCKING BYE, LADY!!!" and I'm ::this:: close to looking for a sledge hammer to smash it's primary-colored, battery-operated ass into smithereens, "toddler girl" and her "Merry Christmas" be DAMNED.

Also, her parents will smash ME into smithereens if they figure out who gave her the talking, beeping monster from hell.