I bought this toy for a "toddler girl" on the Giving Tree at work.
On my drive to work this morning, I kept hearing mysterious voices and clunking sounds and I'd whip my head around to look in the back seat because OHMYGOD I'm living that urban legend about the guy with the hatchet and where the hell is the car that's supposed to flash its lights and warn me of my impending Death By Escaped Lunatic With Axe?!
Did I mention Gray and I watched a marathon of Paranormal State before bed last night? Because we're brilliant. How either one of us has avoided over-breeding for so many years is beyond me.
I didn't sleep AT ALL, but when I did, I dreamt I woke up several hours late for work but that's ok, I realized, because I'd just been RAPED the night before and then found a severed hand in the attacker's house. So surely my boss would understand.
So anyway (shake your head to clear that imagery) back to the car - Finally I realize it's the damn toy talking to me and not some otherworldly being (THREE TO ONE, HEATHER, THREE TO ONE!!!!!!!!!)((that would only make sense if you happen to have seen that very same episode of Paranormal State, so WOO HOO to that one guy in Poughkeepsie!)) and I breathe a sigh of relief and resume actually paying attention to the road instead of the back seat, and I think it's all over. Which I should know by now from all the horror movies I've seen that it's NEVER over, especially when you think it's over.
Because now I'm sitting in my silent office listening to this fucking thing say, "BEADLEY BEEP!! BEADLEY BEEP!! BYE BYE!! BYE BYE!!" over and over and over and over and over...and there's no "off" button and I'm not touching or moving or even breathing on the fucking thing, but still it's all, "BEADLEY BEEP! BYE FUCKING BYE, LADY!!!" and I'm ::this:: close to looking for a sledge hammer to smash it's primary-colored, battery-operated ass into smithereens, "toddler girl" and her "Merry Christmas" be DAMNED.
Also, her parents will smash ME into smithereens if they figure out who gave her the talking, beeping monster from hell.
We had this talking wagon that was possessed and would start playing circus music in the middle of the night. I finally put it in the basement of the house so I wouldn't hear it in the middle of the night. Finally the battery fairy came and the batteries mysteriously disappeared.
ReplyDeleteRemember Furbies? Scared the crap out of my little kid, had to lock the damn things in a drawer at night to shut them up. Looked like that Gizmo character in Gremlins. I was sure they were eating after midnight, reproducing and rampaging the house. I finally got rid of them. Now I have 4 cats, they scare the crap out of me at night. I think its a Furbie revenge.
ReplyDeleteI've had this same sort of thing happen, only with vibrators.
ReplyDeleteWhat?
PS: I found you through Becky from Steam Me Up's blogroll.
ALWAYS give away the talking, beeping toys. Nightmares are guaranteed if you let any of those remain in your house.
ReplyDeleteI remember the evil talking teddy that scared me as a child. Shudder
ReplyDeleteKate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com
I'm catching up (slowly but surely) on your posts. A) You can drive just fine! B) That poor, poor eel... To this day my dad's cousin's hole-in-the-head fish* gives me nightmares. C) Talking toys scare the crap out of me. When I was a kid I had this Secret Sally toy* that was actuallky my mom's when SHE was a kid, and it used to WHISPER in this horribly raspy demon voice, "I want to sleeeeeeeeeep with you... Can you keep a seeeeeeeecret?" Smash. toy. NOW!
ReplyDelete*I have no idea if that's their actual names. I've blocked out most of the memories... self preservation...
you are forbidden to watch anything ever for the rest of your life. I know, you're welcome. Yeah, my advice is pretty amazing, I know
ReplyDeleteHah, we've had a toy rattling around under the seats before that always freaks me the fuck out when it goes off and I'm alone in the car.
ReplyDeleteYes, people who buy children LOUD toys obviously hate that child's parents. Nice going.