Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Statistically Unlikely

Here's what not to do:

Don't decide to lay around on the couch and watch an entire day-long marathon of The First 48 on A&E, particularly when the first episode takes place in Minneapolis, Minnesota and particularly when you are home alone in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Especially when darkness falls around 4:15 p.m. Especially when you can't remember where you put your can of pepper spray.

Most definitely don't remember that you live only blocks from the Mississippi River or that Veronica warned you never to jog on the trails after dark because of the occasional murder. Don't obsess about the locks on your doors and windows, and definitely don't hide behind the armchair if a solicitor knocks on your door.

Forget all about the Chantix-induced psycho dreams you're likely to have in the wake of viewing multiple dead bodies and blood spatter and suspect interrogations and hearing the words "ligature" and "exsanguination" over and over in one day. You don't want to know about those dreams in advance. Trust me.

Don't start thinking about the movie Zodiac when you get up to pee in the middle of the night. This will not help you fall back to sleep quickly. Refrain from jumping at shadows and peeking out the blinds at 3:00 a.m. There's no one out there. That you want to know about, anyway.

Definitely DO NOT record future episodes of The First 48. You don't need to watch any more of them.

Here's what you SHOULD do: Keep extra underwear on hand. You know, just in case you ignore all my other advice.