Thursday, January 28, 2010

I Also Want His Monocle...

It turns out I'm so awesome that people just offer me drugs now. That speaks to my importance to everyone IN THE WORLD and also my zest for life 6 months out of the year. It also speaks to the kind of generous wacky jacks I attract here at Zipbag of Bones.

But Josh Almighty didn't leave any contact information which is how I know he's legit. Real drug dealers don't go around giving out their email addresses all willy nilly, THEY find YOU. I'll probably be walking around the canals by Seal Beach and some guy will sneak up behind me and say, "I've got what you want" which is not a good idea because if he's wearing an awesome hat, that will probably be what I want. That's no way to make an illegal narcotics deal. Instead, he should shake my hand in a firm, yet gentle way, and introduce himself as Ruxpin B. Cooper (PhD) and then we'll talk about buying drugs and selling drugs in metaphors like, "Boy, what I wouldn't do for some bugs...I could really use a few bugs right now, do you happen to have any bugs for sale?" until either I wind up with a pocket full of smack or he gets confused by my superior metaphoring. Because I'm smarter than a drug dealer with a fake PhD. Usually.

The other thing I considered after receiving this kind offer to wreak havoc on my entire physiology and possibly ruin my otherwise ::bright:: future is that the name "Josh Almighty" implies he might actually BE God, and in that case this whole "want some drugs?" thing is just a test to see if my soul is worthy of forgiveness and redemption and eternal life in heaven with Jesus and Oral Roberts and that guy from Bonanza. So the good news is since He's still willing to give me a chance at salvation, it's safe to say that god is into fetish porn.