Wednesday, January 20, 2010

IS

Have you ever noticed that lobsters are boiled alive and then plopped down on a plate and delivered to your table and then their tiny, boiled eyes just kinda...stare you down as you break off an arm and pry open the skin and dunk the only-been-dead-3-minute muscles in butter and then eat them?

I just think it's creepy.

Anyway, so it's still winter here. Yes, yes it has been winter for months and yes, yes it will be winter for months longer, and no, no I am no longer enjoying the beauty of the snow. Because now it's all fucking dirty and gross and making me slip on my walk to the car every single day, but mostly I am tired of the dark. It's always dark. And we're always inside.

I'm feeling bad for feeling bad which is just another symptom (for me) of my blues - it's like feeling bad for eating because I am hungry - but sometimes I look at myself and say, "Seriously have I ever heard of a little place called HAITI and all of those people there who are SUFFERING and STARVING TO DEATH and am I worried about that right now?"

No.

Why? Because I'm all busy feeling bad about feeling bad about FEELING FUCKING BAD, and I'm a terrible person because although I texted "Haiti" to 90999 and donated $10 to the Red Cross and their relief efforts and even though I tried (and was rejected) from donating blood last week, I proceeded to go out and buy new (used) clothes and wondered if I should get a pedicure before I go on vacation because the state of my feet should be illegal right now and OH POOR ME however shall I go on living and HOLY FUCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and I bet those Haitians could teach me a thing or two about feeling bad.

Wow, that actually helps a little. Coming here and describing for you people, in excruciating detail, all of the things I feel bad about.

Because once it's down on "paper" I can pick it up and read it from all different sides of the thing and start to realize that it simply...IS.

Nothing I do or say will change what IS, and therefore I might at well accept the fact that even though my depression is irrational and TOTALLY first world, is IS.

And all I can do about it is to do all I can.

And that's what I'm going to do.