Monday, January 11, 2010

The Trouble With Familiarity...

So let me paint you a picture of what life with Gray is like nowadays.

The Scene: I need to pee. Gray follows me upstairs and lays down on the bed while he's waiting. I consider not washing my hands, wash them anyway, and then go over to cuddle with the birthday boy.

Gray: You don't lay on top of me enough anymore. We used to do this all the time, remember?

Me: That's true, we did do this a lot, didn't we? I think we just got used to each other.

Gray: We have to start doing this again.

Me: Yes, definitely.

::poignant, romantic pause::

::warm fuzzy feelings::

Me: What are you thinking about?

Gray: Wrestling.

::Gray's stomach muscles clench::

Me: NO! Don't!

::loud fart::

Me: NOOOOOOOO!

::he pins me down so the stench can permeate my clothing::

Gray, laughing: What? What's the matter?

Me: LET ME GO! OH MY GOD THE SMELL! I'M SUFFOCATING!

Gray, still laughing like he's some kind of goddamn FUNNY MAN: Come here, I don't smell anything! What's the matter?

Me, finally disentangled and fleeing the room: You are disgusting.

Gray: What?

::innocent face::

Me: You didn't even TRY to hold it in. I felt you PUSH IT OUT.

::maniacal laughter/horrified convulsions::

End scene.

When did this happen!? When did we evolve from trying to hide our gas from each other to using flatulence as a weapon? When did our bodily functions graduate from embarrassing to funny? Where did we step over the line from "I'm going to shower for you" to "please pop my back zit"???

How did we get here?!

And will you please go buy me some tampons?