So let me paint you a picture of what life with Gray is like nowadays.
The Scene: I need to pee. Gray follows me upstairs and lays down on the bed while he's waiting. I consider not washing my hands, wash them anyway, and then go over to cuddle with the birthday boy.
Gray: You don't lay on top of me enough anymore. We used to do this all the time, remember?
Me: That's true, we did do this a lot, didn't we? I think we just got used to each other.
Gray: We have to start doing this again.
Me: Yes, definitely.
::poignant, romantic pause::
::warm fuzzy feelings::
Me: What are you thinking about?
Gray: Wrestling.
::Gray's stomach muscles clench::
Me: NO! Don't!
::loud fart::
Me: NOOOOOOOO!
::he pins me down so the stench can permeate my clothing::
Gray, laughing: What? What's the matter?
Me: LET ME GO! OH MY GOD THE SMELL! I'M SUFFOCATING!
Gray, still laughing like he's some kind of goddamn FUNNY MAN: Come here, I don't smell anything! What's the matter?
Me, finally disentangled and fleeing the room: You are disgusting.
Gray: What?
::innocent face::
Me: You didn't even TRY to hold it in. I felt you PUSH IT OUT.
::maniacal laughter/horrified convulsions::
End scene.
When did this happen!? When did we evolve from trying to hide our gas from each other to using flatulence as a weapon? When did our bodily functions graduate from embarrassing to funny? Where did we step over the line from "I'm going to shower for you" to "please pop my back zit"???
How did we get here?!
And will you please go buy me some tampons?
My boyfriend and I aren't there yet! So please let me know when that does start to happen so I can avoid it at all costs!
ReplyDeleteIt's inevitable, don't fight it. Except the farts. Fight the farts.
ReplyDeleteNo, Miss Yvonne is mistaken, you can NEVER fight the farts. You just need to make your own bigger and noisier for a whole heap of win!
ReplyDeleteSteam Me Up, Kid really started a fart post revolution when she pushed it out. She's like a famous patriot.
ReplyDeleteFarts are nature's way of leveling the playing field. I don't even know what that means.
I know. I sometimes wish for the days of LESS Familiar.... but then again-- those were not THAT great!
ReplyDeleteWait until you're in your 70's and he asks you to analyze the smell of them.
ReplyDeleteI hear thats what old people do.
Does he also wrestle/tickle you until you pee? Almost as bad, in my book.
I miss the romance. Stupid man farts.
ReplyDeleteI wonder this all the time! I know so much about my husband's bowels it's amazing. A friend said the other day, "watching a DVD means making out" and I said, "wait until you're married -- then watching a DVD means watching a DVD".
ReplyDeleteYou post the funniest things.
ReplyDeleteOh god. Usually it's me who does the farting on another person. Wait till you guys have kids and you're sitting there reading a book with both kids in your lap and you have to rip one and the moral dilemma goes through your head of whether it's ok to fart on two kids when your farts could most likely peel the paint off of the walls and then you do it and they don't die and all is well.
ReplyDeleteI am laughing SO MUCH right now. When you find out what happened, please tell me. PLEASE. (!!!)
ReplyDeleteSTOP IT!!! It's kind of fun, but it's horrifying, so nip that in the bud now, y'all.
ReplyDeleteafter half my life with hubby we do occasionally let a sart go and fart but NEVER watching each other pee!!!
whew!
Veronica dearest