Sunday, February 21, 2010

Here Comes the WHAAA?

So, I bought my wedding dress. FROM GOODWILL.

I am equally proud and horrified to say that out loud. And yes, yes it IS made of wicker.

Of course, like any self-respecting woman, I weighed my options (and myself) carefully and tried on lots of dresses that I wouldn't normally consider, and did so in a room full of naked women and measuring takes and giant clamps like I see at the Home Depot.

And on the "vintage" rack, there were dresses from the '80s. By the way, what the fuck was up with the Hanging Beads in Cleavage look, 80s ladies? I can't tell if you were going for "ceiling fan" or "money shot."

And then...then there were some dresses that all together defied description and left more questions than...retinas in their wake.

Like these, say:

I fucking TOLD you there was a camouflage wedding.
Unfortunately, the father of the bride could not attend. He was busy being the inspiration for the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Or, alternately, Twilight, minus the hot minors.
The Tampon Dress: eliminating that pesky wedding night sex.

Jersey Shore-Style - Aw, look...his tie matches her tan.

This was taken just before she was eaten by a coyote.

Proud to be: Condom Free. I just love that happy little pregnancy trail, especially on child brides. It's like Disney, but real.

Looks like this bride* would have been better off wearing the tampon gown.

But in the end I went with something a little bit more traditional. See, I'm wearing white and everything:

And don't tell Gray - we're pretending like I'm an "honest" woman until we're legal. You know, so my dad doesn't accidentally murder the groom. Hopefully he's forgotten all about that unfortunate grandchild thing...
I found some of these here at the Fashion Police Files. There are SO MANY MORE dresses to hurl by, you have to go check them out.
And also, can you translate all that British pound bullshit for me?
*just realized "this chick" is Gwen Stephani. Please don't punch me, Gwen.