Well, the title says it all. Where the fuck have I been, huh? There are dirty old men all over this great nation who've had to yank it to Miley Cyrus for a week because I'm too busy planning a wedding to be bothered by you people. I am single-handedly responsible for a sharp rise in pedophilia.
And let me be completely unclear: pedophilia is not funny. Unless it's cartoon pedophilia, like when that baby gets laid on Family Guy. Which reminds me...how the hell is FOX okay with a baby getting laid on TV but they have a hard time with the concept of safe-sex education? NOT EVERYONE CAN STICK IT IN A CARTOON, FOX. Jesus christ, it's like that network's being run by conservatives or something.
So. I'm planning a wedding and I'm so busy talking to everyone on the face of the planet (and Jesus) about planning a wedding that I'm really just about ready to punch myself in the face. Nobody cares about my fucking photographic style, Me. Shut the front door or one of your coworkers is likely to shut it for you.
But I can't shut the front door. I am physically incapable of shutting the front door. Which means that I've officially turned into my fiance, and now the cycle of becoming exactly like your partner is complete. I double checked this morning, and we're all systems go on the chest hair. THAT is how incapable of shutting the front door I actually am, and so you people should be prepared to read volumes on the wonder that is my choice of shoes and the beauty that is my spreadsheet of duties for each member of the (EFUCKINGNORMOUS) wedding party.
However, for now I will simply tell you something that my future mother-in-law told me last night: Gray was born ass-first. And somehow that's not surprising to me at all.
At least you keep the back door shut! Am I right?!! Up top!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I wanted a high-five for an anal sex joke. That's just me, I guess.
So you couldn't just run off to Vegas? You could have saved creepy old guys from spanking the monkey. At $10 a pill for viagra that Social Security check just doesn't go that far.
ReplyDeleteBawahaha! Born ass first. Well, there you have it. I'm fairly new to Family Guy, (I know!) It's a must in our family now. Well, after the kiddies have passed out for the night.
ReplyDeleteI hated wedding planning. Sorry, you need positive reinforcement. It sucks. Until the very last second. And then it is completely awesome. I'm here if you want any advice at all. (How many people are currently offering you advice?)
ReplyDeleteI would be in your same shoes, I'm certain of it. There's something about going completely overboard that just FEELS RIGHT. And I don't care what anyone says. :-)
ReplyDeleteDid you just say you have chest hair?
ReplyDeleteCalm down, we're ok here while you're ignoring us. My reader has like 200 posts in it, talk about ignoring. I spent last night puking and peeing out of my butt, stomach flu rocks. I did lose 8lbs overnight though. ROCK!
You can't forget Ike having sex with the kindergarten teacher on South Park. Holy smokes. Planning a wedding is psychosis inducing. My daughter thankfully saved me from a life inside a loony bin by doing most of the work and just pushing my hand around so I could write the checks.
ReplyDeleteLord help me if I had to plan my on wedding.