Saturday, August 14, 2010

I Think She Likes Me, Too.

Nothing makes me happier than making other people uncomfortable (except marinating cats in the trunk of my car) so hanging out with Susan at BlogHer last weekend may very well be one of the best things that has ever happened to me (besides the cat marinade recipe).

Susan does things like start up a totally inappropriate conversation just as a complete stranger gets onto the elevator she's riding. It's like she does it just to see if they'll change their mind about which floor they reaaaaaally want to stop on. "OH MY GOD that woman is talking about ANAL PLUGS?!?! I'll take the stairs." *exit stage door*

Saturday night, Susan, Summer and I were on our way down to the lobby from a sex party hosted by Eden Fantasys up on the 31st floor of the Warwick Hotel, and Susan told a guy in the elevator (and his WOMAN) that even though we'd just come from a sex party, the only way Susan would be interested in him at that moment was if he was hiding a pizza under his shirt because she was starving.

And then she asked him if he was hiding a pizza under his shirt.

And then she asked if it was inappropriate to ask him if he was hiding a pizza under his shirt.

My answer is that it's never inappropriate to ask for pizza.

One of my favorite lines lately is to tell people I just spontaneously ovulated because their baby is so cute of that stranger's baby is so cute, or because it smells like baby powder or because somebody mentioned babies or possibly because I just saw a woman with a super big rack. "I'm squirting eggs all over the place!" usually gets a chuckle (or horrified gape) out of most women, so I tend to pull that out when I'm at a loss.

I should warn you now that A) your baby just made me ovulate and B) Susan never posts to her blog. Your best bet would be to google "puppy in my pants" and scroll down to the hottest old broad you can find.

Oh my god, I did not just say that.

PS - She's taken, assholes. Put it back in your panties.