Whole New Kind of Doggy Style

My dog thinks I'm being murdered when really I'm just masturbating.

It isn't me making all the racket, it's the DVDs, and my dog is almost entirely deaf (except, of course, for the sound of dog food hitting dog bowl...that he'll keep hearing long after he's dead), so I don't know how he knows that people are screaming and yelling and stuff, except maybe he smells the lube and thinks it's a sandwich.

Regardless of the reason, he hears the action and comes galumphing up the stairs to fling himself against the bedroom door and, when he finds he's unable to force his way into the room, stands on the landing and hacking phlegm onto the floor as if to say, "Excuse me, young lady, but this type of behavior will not be tolerated. Unless you have a Milk Bone in there, in which case have I mentioned that I'm hungry?"

The whole thing is very awkward.