Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It's About Goddamn Time

Where the hell have I been, huh (besides hiding under the covers sucking my thumb and risking life and limb via dangerous new maneuvers with my vibrator((s)))?

It's been quite the week, ya'll.

First, I discovered that I was massively depressed.

Then, I decided to con my loving husband into letting me adopt another dog.

Finally, I started my period.

That's quite a combo, eh? Crazy fucking depressed PLUS crazy fucking menstrual? It's been a while since the world has seen a mental blip of this magnitude, I can assure you.

Fortunately, the period thing is actually good news because it's the first I've had the pleasure of plugging up since my accident three months ago, so at least I'm assured that not only am I still capable of fostering a disgusting and slimy chamber in which my future span may suck my blood and thrive, but my cycle is exactly the same as it has always been for my entire life since that day in the 6th grade when I soiled those horrendous yellow and white-striped, knee-length shorts and had to walk go home in tears.

And then watch as my mother demonstrated how to insert an O.B. (APPLICATOR FREE) tampon into her OWN body, which was both disturbing and confusing since after that lesson, I was forbidden from using tampons of any magnitude until after marriage and handed a maxi pad the size of Idaho.

Wow, that brought back some feelings.

Anyway, we have a new dog. Her name is SCARY!!! And we didn't even come up with that name ourselves, however Gray is responsible for refusing to change the name from "Scary" to something more fitting for...well...okay, fucking FINE. She's scary looking, okay?

You would be, too, if you had to live with us.