Thursday, February 17, 2011

Heat on, in heat, no difference really

Well, the heat is back on at our house. Turns out it was this exhaustingly complicated process of replacing a tiny purple fuse inside the furnace. Thank fucking GOD there are trained professionals who know how to handle this type of futuristic machinery. I thought the rapture was upon us.

Fuck.

I learned how to replace the tiny purple fuse in our furnace. I even flashed my tits at the HVAC guy so he'd leave me a spare fuse. Then he showed me how to remove the heat sensor stick thingy and give it a good "polish" - we're pretty sure the accumulated dirt on that stick is what started the problems with the furnace. What a dirty, dirty stick.

The good news is that I can stop wrapping my feet with sheets of insulation every time I get up to pee in the night. The bad news is that we're supposed to hit 55 degrees (Fahrenheit, you Canadian morons) today, which means that we're unlikely to take full advantage of our gas-powered capabilities.

But don't worry - I will fart as per usual, so at least THAT gas-power won't go to waste.

In other news, we're pretty sure that our little Scary monster thinks she is pregnant. With ghost puppies, apparently. She's doing a cave dweller's variation of the standard Dog Nesting Procedure where she hides in the smallest possible nook of the room before digging fruitlessly into the un-dig-able floor coverings. Then she licks her belly until (what I'm pretty sure is) fluid leaks from her boobies.

She (out of the blue) started getting up twice in the night for a drink of water and to pee. She has begun carring around her tiny squeaky babies in her mouth.

Now...I'm no dog expert, but I'm relatively certain that the combination of vet-issued spay certification paperwork and hideous belly surgery scars are enough to rule out the possibility of ACTUAL pregnancy, but who knows. Perhaps Scary is the next Mother Theresa.

Wait, that's not right. Help me out, Catholics...Mother Goose?

In any case, she DID come from a puppy mill in Kansas where she spent her life in a cage, giving birth to litter after litter of scary little babies, and so perhaps this is her "time of the month" or something. We're not quite clear on that point.

What I DO know is we could have saved a fortune on the furnace if she'd done us the courtesy of telling us she was already in heat.