Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Scientific proof we're related

Our niece Angel Butt was here with my sister over the weekend. The following tid bits were actually divulged.

If I hadn't watched my sister give birth to this child, I'd be pretty sure I gave birth to her myself. And then forgot.


On Eyeballs:

My sister: Lately, Angel Butt has been obsessed about what certain things eat. She asked me what angels eat, and I said probably something fluffy. Like Marshmallows.

Angel Butt: They eat EYEBALLS.

Me: What? Eyeballs? Why do they eat those?

Angel Butt: Because they are delicious! Mmmm mmm mmm!

According to this 4-year-old, penguins eat eyeballs too. As do all other truly worthy animals.

Later we took Angel Butt to the horse racing track and she was a little too interested in one horse's eyeballs. We took her by the hand and exited the building as fast as was possible while also dragging a drooling, eyeball-hungry toddler.


On canine horniness:

Angel Butt: Is Lily sick?

Me: No, honey, she's just bleeding because she's having her period. Like mommies do.

Angel Butt: Oh. Is she a mommy?

Me: No, but she wants to be.

Angel Butt: When will she be a mommy?

Me: We aren't going to let her be a mommy.

Angel Butt: But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Me: Well...because there are already too many puppies that don't have homes.

Angel Butt: But you can keep them.

Me: We can't have any more puppies.

Angel Butt: Okay then, just two more.

On vaginal health:

Me: Did you go potty this morning?

Angel Butt: YES *big grin*

Me: *feels her wet overnight pull up* Hey, it's wet! You went potty in your pull up!

Angel Butt: Yes, but I didn't wet the bed!

Me: *damn technicalities* Okay, but we have to put on clean panties before you eat breakfast.

Angel Butt: No, we can do it later.

Me: Honey, it's bad for your vagina to be wet like that.

Angel Butt: What's a "vagina"?

Me: *shit* Erm, I think your mommy calls it your "peaches". Does mommy say you have peaches?

Angel Butt: Yes, peaches.

Me: Okay, then it's bad for your peaches to be wet, they need to dry off so they'll be healthy!

Angel Butt: But I don't LIKE healthy peaches. They're BAD peaches.


On love:

She kissed an older boy on the neck at her birthday party on Saturday.

That is all.


Also on love:

Angel Butt: When you get married you're supposed to have babies. But you don't have babies.

Me: We're trying to have babies.

Angel Butt: How do you have babies?

Me: *FUCK* Ooh, look - something shiny!


On boogers:

Angel Butt: Sometimes when you go to the doctor, they give you a shot. Oh ouchie. I don't like shots.

Me: Yeah, ouchie.

Angel Butt: I went to the doctor and they stuck my finger for a stick test and they tested it to make sure I was healthy from my boogers.

Me: I'm sorry, what? Something about boogers?

Angel Butt: Yes, they stuck me in the finger for a stick test and they squeezed - Oh ouchie! And I bled, and then they tested to make sure I was healthy. From my boogers.

That's when my sister walked outside. I needed a translator.

Me: Your daughter is telling me about a "stick test" and her boogers and I have no idea what she's talking about.

My sister: What did you say to Auntie Cat?

Angel Butt: Remember, Mommy? When I got the stick test and they squeezed it - Oh Ouchie! And they said I was healthy even though I eated my boogers.

My Sister: Ooooh. They drew her blood at a check-up and I guess someone told her that eating boogers can make you sick.

Me: Wait, did you say you eat boogers?

Angel Butt: Yes *big grin*

Me: Why do you eat boogers?

Angel Butt: Because they're delicious *rubs belly in a circle* Mmmm mmmm mmmm

Me: Jesus, girl...I flick them, but I never eat them...


Then she helped Scary get drunk and also fed her a tube of chap stick. And then she tattooed herself and her birthday party guests.

I wish she'd never leave.