Thursday, June 23, 2011

You. Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.

This post is dedicated to all the lurkers out there. You know who you are, which is to say that if you read my blog, YOU are who I'm talking to.

You ever checked out my comments on this blog? No? THAT'S BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY*

Why is that, I wonder?

Some would say it's a no-brainer: Nobody reads my blog.

While I would agree that is the most likely answer, especially in my case, my Google Analytics and Blogger stats beg to differ. There were 100 of your shy motherfuckers yesterday alone, and that isn't counting those of you who subscribe to my blog in a reader.

Google Reader: Haven to the world's most notorious lurkers.

I know you're out there. I meet people all the damn time who say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I read your blog!" and I'm like, "Uh, thanks? It was good enough to read but not good enough to leave a comment? YOU WHORE." And then we get into a nasty, topless battle of fisticuffs and it's not a pretty picture, but it makes for good blog fodder.

Not only do I know that you're out there, but I also know where you came from. For example, anyone out there read Steam Me Up Kid? Don't bother denying it - in the last month, that blog sent 68 unique visitors to this whore of a blog.

Ever heard of Monster Apathy? At least 30 of you have BECAUSE YOU CAME HERE FROM THERE, and that's just since May.

My number one traffic source of ALL time (aside from Blogger, direct traffic and Facebook) is Lil Miss Kel of Ambiguously Shallow. I can bet most of you Kel-lurkers are from southern Cali or Utah, which is hysterical because I was born in southern Cali and then moved to the nearly-as-infamous-for-inbreeding-state of Arkansas. Hi to all my fashionista lurkers!

Other big supporters of my "work" have been Jenny (dear god if you don't read her, then you are going directly to a booze-free hell), Schmutzie from Five Star Friday, and (oddly) Allison of Tales from Lala Land. I say "oddly" because I'm not really sure who she is or how her site has sent over 500 visitors to mine, but HELLO AND THANK YOU. I will be lurking at your blog from now on.

There are so many other referring sites that I cannot even list them here, but I will say that you bitches and warlocks need to open your damn mouths and say hello.

You hate something I wrote? Tell me why. In great detail. Using as many harsh words as your pea brain is capable of tying.

You love something I wrote? Well, who could blame you, but say something anyway. Something about how the world revolves around me would be perfect.

You think I'm a drunken whore? Join the club. And send me booze. Or condoms. Wait, trying to get pregnant, so scratch the condoms. Lube will do.

JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, ya'lls.

I know that commenting is a pain in the ass. That's why I almost never do it myself. I am the Queen of Lurkers. But I'm also an attention whore, so here - let me make this easier for you:

Did you know you can leave anonymous comments? That you don't need a blogger account to do so? That you can use a fake name or no name at all? That you can leave obnoxious links to your own blog in the comment section and almost nobody will stab you for it? That you can call me names WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS?

It's really fun, I swear.

Lurkers and trolls alike, I summon you. Come out of the shadows and leave a comment here.

And in honor of one of my favorite genre of mindless websites, I urge you to leave anonymous comments today that tell a very Deep! Dark! Secret about yourself.

Something about that time your frat house roommate poked your asshole and you liked it.

Something about your biggest fears of being just like your own parents.

Something about why you drink ::almost:: as much as me.

Something about the affair you've been hiding for 3 years.

Something about the bra you stole.

SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING.

If enough of you leave anonymous secrets here, then I will leave one of my own. And it will be a doozie. But, of course, it will be anonymous.

Time to man up and say something, ya'll.

I dare you.

*A shout out to my few, faithful commenters - You make my pants quiver.
**I forgot to roriginally credit my must for this idea, the fucking humorist extraordinaire from Oh Noa.