This post is dedicated to all the lurkers out there. You know who you are, which is to say that if you read my blog, YOU are who I'm talking to.
You ever checked out my comments on this blog? No? THAT'S BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY*
Why is that, I wonder?
Some would say it's a no-brainer: Nobody reads my blog.
While I would agree that is the most likely answer, especially in my case, my Google Analytics and Blogger stats beg to differ. There were 100 of your shy motherfuckers yesterday alone, and that isn't counting those of you who subscribe to my blog in a reader.
Google Reader: Haven to the world's most notorious lurkers.
I know you're out there. I meet people all the damn time who say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I read your blog!" and I'm like, "Uh, thanks? It was good enough to read but not good enough to leave a comment? YOU WHORE." And then we get into a nasty, topless battle of fisticuffs and it's not a pretty picture, but it makes for good blog fodder.
Not only do I know that you're out there, but I also know where you came from. For example, anyone out there read Steam Me Up Kid? Don't bother denying it - in the last month, that blog sent 68 unique visitors to this whore of a blog.
Ever heard of Monster Apathy? At least 30 of you have BECAUSE YOU CAME HERE FROM THERE, and that's just since May.
My number one traffic source of ALL time (aside from Blogger, direct traffic and Facebook) is Lil Miss Kel of Ambiguously Shallow. I can bet most of you Kel-lurkers are from southern Cali or Utah, which is hysterical because I was born in southern Cali and then moved to the nearly-as-infamous-for-inbreeding-state of Arkansas. Hi to all my fashionista lurkers!
Other big supporters of my "work" have been Jenny (dear god if you don't read her, then you are going directly to a booze-free hell), Schmutzie from Five Star Friday, and (oddly) Allison of Tales from Lala Land. I say "oddly" because I'm not really sure who she is or how her site has sent over 500 visitors to mine, but HELLO AND THANK YOU. I will be lurking at your blog from now on.
There are so many other referring sites that I cannot even list them here, but I will say that you bitches and warlocks need to open your damn mouths and say hello.
You hate something I wrote? Tell me why. In great detail. Using as many harsh words as your pea brain is capable of tying.
You love something I wrote? Well, who could blame you, but say something anyway. Something about how the world revolves around me would be perfect.
You think I'm a drunken whore? Join the club. And send me booze. Or condoms. Wait, trying to get pregnant, so scratch the condoms. Lube will do.
JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, ya'lls.
I know that commenting is a pain in the ass. That's why I almost never do it myself. I am the Queen of Lurkers. But I'm also an attention whore, so here - let me make this easier for you:
Did you know you can leave anonymous comments? That you don't need a blogger account to do so? That you can use a fake name or no name at all? That you can leave obnoxious links to your own blog in the comment section and almost nobody will stab you for it? That you can call me names WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS?
It's really fun, I swear.
Lurkers and trolls alike, I summon you. Come out of the shadows and leave a comment here.
And in honor of one of my favorite genre of mindless websites, I urge you to leave anonymous comments today that tell a very Deep! Dark! Secret about yourself.
Something about that time your frat house roommate poked your asshole and you liked it.
Something about your biggest fears of being just like your own parents.
Something about why you drink ::almost:: as much as me.
Something about the affair you've been hiding for 3 years.
Something about the bra you stole.
SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING.
If enough of you leave anonymous secrets here, then I will leave one of my own. And it will be a doozie. But, of course, it will be anonymous.
Time to man up and say something, ya'll.
I dare you.
*A shout out to my few, faithful commenters - You make my pants quiver.
**I forgot to roriginally credit my must for this idea, the fucking humorist extraordinaire from Oh Noa.
I quit biting my nails not because it's a disgusting habit but because I can't pick my nose until they grow back out.
ReplyDeleteShut up! I lurk because I spend too much time trying to think up something witty to write, then I get distracted by some inane youtube clip and I forget to come back to your blog for about 2 days, by then I've forgotten even my own name much less that you wrote on your blog. Next thing I know you have written about your dogs, and I'm turned off, because everyone knows that cats rule the world. And damned if I'm going to write a comment about dogs. Just saying....
ReplyDeleteI'm planning on breaking up with my boyfriend when we return from a trip to France in 3 weeks. I'm delaying it because the trip is non-refundable.
ReplyDeleteHow am I supposed to comment when 9 times out of 10 - I am too busy laughing at what you wrote, because you are hilarious!! I miss working with you!
ReplyDeleteJust here to make your pants quiver again.
ReplyDeleteAlright fine... yeah, I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now. Guilty. So here, a comment for you! Cheers!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, eew. You're disgusting and I heart you.
ReplyDeleteChris, fair point. Cat people vs. dog people are the skiiers vs. snoboarders of the sedintary.
Anonymous, gotta say...I don't blame you for waiting. Just...don't say yes if he proposes on the Eiffle Tower. In fact, I'd avoid the Eiffel Tower all together.
Kari, laugh OUT LOUD. That saying exists for a reason.
Mandy, my day just got juicier.
El Gato, another cat person, I presume. My dog can eat your pussy.
Oh hush, you. No-one leaves comments on my blog either, and I'm nowhere near as foul-mouthed as you!
ReplyDeleteI gave serious consideration to stopping reading your blog. I'm childless through infertility and I know you had a miscarriage 'n' all but to suddenly be confronted with all the trying to conceive, and the 'is it positive?' and the sadness when it isn't and the hope that's dashed every month, is just too close to home for me. I've managed to forget about it for the last 11 years or so and don't want to be reminded. Yes, I'm aware this is totally my problem and I don't expect you to tailor your blog in any way to accommodate my speshul snoflayke-ness, but comments are sometimes very hard to leave.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lived on the 2nd floor of an apartment building, I liked to use my vibrator in front of the open window to put on a show.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Jones, you are on the inside, I just know it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I donated eggs years ago for the money, but want to do it again for the unexpected joy it brought me. IVF (et all) isn't for everyone for a lot of reasons $$$$$$$$$$$$ and doesn't work for everyone, sadly. I understand how this blog would bother you, though. Unfortunately for much of the world, I feel better when I write about stuff like this.
Anonymous, that is so fucking hawt.
ReplyDeleteBut Lurking is so much more fun!
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
"Your-Fave-Beer-Snob-Friend-of-Grey"
I like to fantasize about what it would be like to mass-murder people, serial-killer style.
ReplyDeleteYou Know Who, yes, I do know who. And I heart your beers. And it's GrAy.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, don't we all?
I am having a hot love affair on my significant other. I love porn. I hate chics that are prettier than myself because I want all the attention. I would carry a baby for you cat but my lifestyle and uterus would not allow it. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteMy deep dark secret (for today) is that I saw a video clip this morning from 1976 of the first time an "uncontacted tribe" saw a white man, and the first thing I thought of was "I wonder if the white man shared Cheetos with them, that would bring joy." I was born in 76 and I've loved Cheetos as long as I can remember -- but I have no idea if they were around in 76, and apparently I'm too lazy to even Google snack history and find out for sure. ;) ha.
ReplyDeleteI'm child-free by choice myself, but I'm cheerin' for ya here, I hope you get just what you want next time you pee on the stick. ;)
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous, that's okay - to each her own uterus. And I am sure you are not alone in your affair. I think we'd all be surprised that the people who are outnumber those who aren't. And I love porn, too.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, Cheetos still bring joy to millions. And get stuck in braces all over the world.
Your blog makes me lol. Some of the stuff you write about it so crazy. I used to masturbate thinking about doing my teachers
ReplyDeleteI think I qualify as a pants-quiverer...but I'll comment again anyway. I love that every time I open up my reader (which tells me you have 249 subscribers, btw) I see a number next to your name. So much fun for me, and it's free!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, that's my duty - to horrify and entertain. It usually happens simultaneously. And I wish I'd had teachers hot enough to flick it to.
ReplyDeleteUnmitigated Me, I did NOT know I could see how many people subscribe in a reader - I am WAY cooler than I thought. This is life-changing. My pants have never quivered this way before.
I did "it" with my ex husband a few days ago (divorced three years, and he is a total bastard). "It" wasn't nearly as good as I remembered, but it was better than finding some random stranger!
ReplyDeleteI've only had sex with two people and I reaaaaaally wish I'd experimented more before getting settled down with one person.
ReplyDeleteI bail on plans with friends all the time because I hate people sometimes. Even theo nes I love.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid my younger half sister (brought to life from a one night stand between my father and mother's lesbian lover) will kill me later in life. I have a hard time making a connection and pay very little attention to her. Yes, I will say it...I am a selfish bitch.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, the only bad part about that was that your ex was inadequate. Damn.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I've only had sex with 3! That's what porn is for.
Laura, this is how the Uni-bomber got started. Seek help. It's located in a vodka bottle.
Anonymous, I'm pretty sure my sister is going to kill me later in life, too. She has very sharp nails.
Why don't you write something real instead of wasting your talents on this dumb fucking blog that is self loathing and all around pretty bad.
ReplyDeleteI really like Barry Manilow.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog but I am an asshole about commenting. #fact
ReplyDelete*Raises right hand* I, Jules, have been a lurker and will try not to do that any more.
ReplyDeleteI have slept with over 50 guys in my early 20s and I'm afraid sex is one of the things in life that I'm really good at and I get depressed because I can't really brag about it (as it's not socially prudent lol) or really do it anymore since I'm married. The only reason I feel like screwing new ppl again is because I think I'm mentally fucked up from getting cheated on 3 years ago...as well as cheating "back" a year after that. FML. P.S. Your blog sucks. lol and in the best way possible. I think you're more of an attention whore than me. WTF is wrong with you? You melt my face off with your music videos. Stop that!
ReplyDeleteJesus CRUST, pluck your eyebrows, will you?
ReplyDeleteHey slutty chick, I love sex and will fuck you without a proper introduction. Married or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm anonymous. I read your blog. And yes, I'm a fucking whore. I don't write comments because I don't want written proof that I'm spending more time dicking around on the internet than writing my own assignments.
ReplyDeleteI once pleasured my man while his mother slept only 5 feet away in the same tent. It was totally whore-a-licious.
and.....enter the trolls.
ReplyDeleteAnd me, because I suck at commenting on my OWN blog these days. I have a big Russian following these days, according to the stats.
I commented. So there. Hi, Cat!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any shocking confessions to share, sorry. But at least I comment semi-regularly so suck it.
ReplyDeleteOh Jesus- the goddamn pressure. Although now that I read some of your comments I could much say anything and it would be better than that Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteWhat a Ho-bag.
I was a drunken slut when I was 18 for 4 months. In those 4 months, I slept with 50 guys. I was hell-a busy and hell-a drunk! But now I. Hate. Sex. How sad is that?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, touché, motherfucker. Touché.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I want to bang Tom Hanks, if that makes you feel any better...
Kat, you're exempt. #fact
Jules, HI JULES. I hear you told someone about something about me. AND YOU WERE RIGHT.
Anonymous, that's what blogs are for. Brag away.
Anonymous, you should see my big toes.
Anonymous, Awesome. T. Now I'm like Match.com, except for dirty tramps. I can literally die happy now.
Anonymous, I'm not sure if that's awesome or incestuous. Actually, I guess those are the same.
Vic, you should ask them to send you some tater vodka.
Irish Gumbo, congrats on your Blogs of Note status this week! Go check him out, ya'll.
Casey, you could have said that I'm the secret father of your son...
Zoerights, hey, hey, hey - Ho-bags are people, too. Just...more contage-y.
Anonymous, vibrators. They're better than sex.
I never leave comments for the same reason I don't write a blog...I suck at writing and can never think of anything to say. But I fuckn' love your blog. I went and read from the beginning, but I'm sure you know that already.
ReplyDeleteOh and me and my girl cousin used to play B.A.G. (boy and girl) where you get naked and rub bodies together when we were little. and no I'm from Michigan :)
Mostly lurker, sometimes commenter. I have trouble writing on my own blog let alone commenting on others. But Hi just the same...
ReplyDeletewhere's your big dark secret cat?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so sorry you'll never get those hours of your life back. I've wasted them. And I used to play B.A.G. with all my little boy friends.
ReplyDeleteHeather, thanks for de-psychosis-ing yourself long enough to leave one.
Anonymous, at least one of these IS my secret.
I'm in love with two people.
ReplyDeleteHey, ANONYMOUS ABOVE THIS ANONYMOUS,
ReplyDeleteI cornholed both the people you're in love with.
Be in love with that, fucktard.
And don't forget to cup the balls.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice.
So... lemme get this fucking straight. I actually read your posts, increase your traffic... but that's not enough fucking attention? Well cripes on a cracker. I suppose fulfilling women's desperate need for attention is not something... UNfamiliar... so here it is: ATTENTION. You are witty and clever. Wakka wakka, dare I say brilliant. You satisfied? FUCK! Now I have to comment on the post which lured me in? Fine. But holy shit. I'm going through my lesbian divorce over here, and this motherfucker is WROUGHT with dramas. Perhaps I should start actually blogging about that shit instead of being so damned intrigued by your childhood. Grumble. There. You happy? I am no longer silent. Suck it.
ReplyDeleteCat, I fucking love you.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, me too: Randy Blythe and Scarlett Johansson.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'd pay to see that.
Anonymous, Depends on how stinky they are.
Ubiquitous Zombie, Well, since I've never even heard of you before, and since you're my very first official dead reader, then YEAH. I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Kthxbye.
Susan Mercedes, I love you too, boo(behs).
What if I'm so intimidated by your wits that I don't dare comment because my comments would just seem so retarded compared to what you just wrote?
ReplyDeleteYes, this is the primary reason for me not commenting on the masses of blogs I follow. And I'm gonna admit this in my OWN name! Brrr-a!
I know I'm late, but I couldn't resist the chance to make your pants quiver.
ReplyDeleteOk ok- I have been reading your damn blog for a few years now and can't recall how I found you. I haven't posted on my own blog in several months let along sat to write on ANYTHING so you should be elated I actually took the bait and commented. You really are entertaining and I have my fingers crossed daily that you'll pee on that stick and get the answer you seek.. like a little magic eightball only it will last FOR.EVER! :)
ReplyDeletehonestly, I'd read your blog more but the white text on black background gives me a headache! no lie, no lie. :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you were nicer people would leave comments. Or since you "lurke" with one's and zero's, maybe you should cut them some lack. You over aged gargoyle. And here is my non-anonnymous comment: I can make sound with my mind and they come out of my ass as a sonic boom!
ReplyDelete