Monday, December 15, 2008

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like My Eyes Are Frozen Shut

Well, we didn't get a huge snowstorm here last night. Not here in my town, that is. Just some regular old, run of the mill snow and ice. As you know, I spent the entire weekend indoors - I practically had to ask for directions to my parking spot this morning, so I didn't really get a feel for what the temperature was like outside. The radio tells me it was around 35 degrees above zero yesterday until 3pm (balmy!). Then the temperature dropped until it reached an overnight low of 7 below zero. The most exciting thing of note is that we're in a "Wind Chill Advisory" until 6:00 tonight, and they're forecasting wind chills between 25 below and 35 below zero. It's exciting for kids, that is, because some of the schools will be cancelled and many will be delayed. For us grownups, all it means is that we'd better not get a flat tire on the way home, or we're fucked.

It seems that I've broken our garbage disposal (seriously, I've been putting potato peels down there for my entire life with no problems until now), and we also have a clogged toilet. I can't find the plunger anywhere. I think when we moved from the old apartment across the hall, I threw out the old one and never bought a new one. I'm particular about spreading toilet germs from home to home. I throw away shower curtain liners and toilet brushes (ooh and bathroom floor rugs) also.

When I walked into the bathroom and saw toilet paper sitting in the bowl, with a suspiciously low water level, I sort of got an adrenaline rush. A minor one, granted, but still - it's like my endocrine system was all excited to be doing ANYTHING other than sleeping, it was all, "What've we got here, boys? Looks like a clogged toilet!! Should we try flushing it? NO WAIT! Must. Find. Plunger."

And then when I couldn't find a plunger, my endocrine system was all, "Must prevent others from flushing toilet! OVERFLOW WARNING! GERMS EVERYWHERE!" and I ran into the kitchen to make a note that says, "Don't Use" and taped it onto the toilet lid. Whew! Disaster averted.

Except that Gray came in and totally didn't buy the whole "the toilet is clogged" bit, so he's standing there looking in the bowl, and I'm yelling at him, "Don't flush it! We don't have a plunger! Don't you understand? If you flush it and we don't have a plunger, it will overflow!" He was like, "Why don't we just flush it and see if it goes down?" and I was like, "NO! You don't understand! What will we DO if it starts to overflow?"

So what did he do? He flushed it.

Now, the blogger in me really wishes I had a great ending to this story, something about how we ended up with turds in our shower, but the OCD germ freak in me is super glad that it just didn't work out that way. Gray flushed the toilet while I paced around the bedroom, covering my eyes with my hands, and the toilet paper didn't go down, but the water didn't come up. So...we're exactly back at square one, which is the square where our toilet is clogged and we don't have a plunger.

Of course later, I started to wash a load of dishes in the dishwasher, forgetting that the garbage disposal is broken and that it's somehow involved in the dishwasher's functions (I still don't understand that one). I happened to walk into the kitchen for something JUST as the kitchen sink started to overflow onto the floor. I just stood there and stared at it, like I was having a clogged toilet flashback, and then I cried frantically for Gray to come help me (he had just laid his sick little head down to sleep). He took one look and said, "Yeah, everyone knows you can't use the dishwasher when the garbage disposal is broken," all matter-of-fact, like he didn't just break every law of nature by flushing a clogged toilet with no plunger at the ready.

Wow, I made that all sound so very much more exciting than it actually was. You're welcome.

22 comments:

  1. THe cross-connections in household water systems have always left me confused to no end.

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  2. i would offer to fix the plumbing problems for you except for two things: 1)i'm hundreds of miles away and, 2)the first time i tried my hand at plumbing-around 1985 and also the last time-the mr. fixit in me was dealt a major crushing blow. tools and curse words flew around the room. it's one of the few things i swore i'd never do again...and haven't.

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  3. Wait, you're not supposed to use the dishwasher when the disposal is broken? I learn something new everyday.

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  4. You know you actually made that story quiet riviting. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see if he would flush.

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  5. There is obviously no justice in the universe if he could so brazenly flush a clogged toilet with NO PLUNGER AT HAND and you, the cautious and responsible sign-creator, are the one met with an overflowing kitchen sink.

    But I must know... Have you gotten a plunger since then?

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  6. You know, plumbing problems are severely underrated in terms of their excitement factor. Especially when you're sick. I'm with you.

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  7. You got a snort out of me with the flat tire/fucked comment but I laughed out loud all the way through the rest of this post. That he broke every rule of nature by flushing a clogged toilet with no plunger at the ready still has me chuckling... and I haven't chuckled for days. Thannks for that!!

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  8. It's 8 degrees here, and no wind. We do have a fog advisory, though, so everything is coated with a thick layer of frost. Really pretty, until you have to step outside.

    I did not know about the garbage disposal/dishwasher thing. I do know never to put potato peels down there, because I have lived in housing that is old and not renovated, and putting anything more substantial than jello would clog it up. In that housing, my neighbor had a toilet that could not handle poop. If you had to poop, you could not use that toilet (fortunately they had three, but still. What kind of insanity is it that you cannot use your toilet for poop?)

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  9. I don't know how you deal with the weather up there. I would call in dead for work in the winter. Its 40 in Houston and I am ready to go home and crawl into bed. Of course I feel like that on most Mondays but today I really feel like that!

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  10. So Gray has the same problem Shawn has when it comes to poops. For some reason they think they can't get their teeny tiny assholes sufficiently clean without 3 quarters of a roll of toilet paper. What gives?

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  11. Here's a trick for a clogged toilet....

    Seriously..

    Squueze in a little dishwashing liquid into the bowl, let it sit for about 15 minutes, then pour some hot water (from the tub faucet) into the bowl and flush.

    Wala!

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  12. well, if it makes you feel better, I also would have had no idea that you can't use the dishwasher when the garbage disposal isn't working.

    and it mildly disturbs me to think that the water involved in washing my dishes is somehow connected to the device that chops up dirty, discarded food...hmm, will have to think this one through a bit.

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  13. Actually, plumbing problems give me the same kind of rush. And your toilet is only partially clogged, plunge, or better yet, snake, before it gets worse, 'cause it will.

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  14. But that was fantastically exciting! Especially the part where you flush the toilet with no safety net in place should absolute disaster occur! You guys are BOLD. BOLD.

    I did not know that about not using the DW when the disposal is broken. Boy am I glad I did some reading today!

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  15. By the way, holy crap is it COLD.

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  16. I'd take the dishwasher overflow any day. I think they're both in cahoots.

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  17. Dishwasher? Toilet? Yeah, definitely the dishwasher. But why did Gray have to be right? That's totally no fair!!!

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  18. I know, I hate it when he's right! This makes....let's see...carry the 1...a total of three times ever that he's been right, and I hated every one of them!

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  19. You're too cute. And if you can be cute writing about toilets, sickness and overflowing water systems, then you deserve.... something, like a medal or something. I wish I had one.

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  20. I know that feeling of water creeping dread. I agree it's not fair he was right. You should have had a plunger at the ready for sure.

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  21. Actually, now that I think about it....Gray was NOT RIGHT. He was LUCKY. You tell him that he's still an idiot for doing that....and that he's a LUCKY S.O.B.

    See, that makes me feel better already.

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You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.