Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Trouble With Facebook...

So my grandmother and I said our goodbyes before work this morning, as she's heading back home to Arkansas (insert banjo here) to get ready for her knee replacement surgery on the 24th. She's having some sort of mechanical, synthetic knee inserted into the place that is currently occupied by old, disintegrating knee, and I wish I would have known this was coming because I gladly would have offered her one of the totally human knees from out of my chest freezer, but now it's too late because she's going to be part-cyborg and I just can't get comfortable with the idea of eating a Thanksgiving dinner that was prepared by a robot. I'm old fashioned like that.

The real reason for this post is and EMERGENCY CRY FOR ASSVICE from you, the creepy Interwebnet strangers, because last night I attempted to set up an email account for my robot-neigh-grandmother, and my mother piped in from the kitchen and said, "Maybe tomorrow night you can help me set up a Facebook page," and then I had a stroke and died right there on the couch, with Landers by my side.

In lieu of flowers, Cat asks that a donation be made in her name to her name. Cash, if possible.

Because, um, I'm guessing if my mother has a Facebook page, she'll want to add me to her friend list and, well, I'm not exactly ok with that concept. In fact, I'm abso-fucking-lutely ANTI THAT CONCEPT, because the Facebook bone's connected to the Blogger bone, and I'm guessing that she might follow the trail to this here website and, subsequently, die from a stroke herself.

Now...my mom knows that she and I do not believe in the same variety of higher powers, or in higher powers at all, and she knows that my lifestyle is...less pious than her idea of what a pious lifestyle should be, and she knows that I write things for school that make her cringe.

What she doesn't know is that I have a website that basically amounts to a giant FUCK YOU MOM, and even though that is not my intention here (you won't be surprised to know that I never even consider my mother or her feelings when carrying on about my business), she will most definitely view the content of this blog as a personal affront, if not to her, then at least to her friend Jesus, and I love my mother (crazy though she may be) and I don't want to hurt her.

On the other hand, this is MY blog, not hers. When I was a fourteen, I "dated" the youth pastor's little brother (he was nineteen, but this didn't seem to be a problem for our families because he was a "man of god", or whatever), and at one point we made out a little and he basically dry-humped my stomach for 45 minutes, then apparently god spoke to him and told him he was DIRTY FILTHY EVIL, so he felt the need to tattle on himself. That's right, TATTLE. So when my mom heard from our pastor who heard from the youth pastor who heard from Mr. Dirty Filty Evil, she did not come directly to me, but instead went into my bedroom and read. my. diaries. ALL of my diaries.

And then grounded me and stuck hot cattle brands on my eyeballs and peeled my skin off. Or at least it seemed that bad at the time.

And he? Was forgiven because he was repentant, or some bullshit.

So ever since that massive violation of what little privacy I had to begin with, I've never EVER since been able to keep any kind of diary or journal. I break out into cold sweats and my hands clench up and I punch the walls and then I get drunk and have unprotected sex in exchange for drugs. Or something like that. It was traumatic, what can I tell you?

This is why I have a problem with the idea of my mother finding this blog vicariously through Facebook. I would, once again, feel the need to censor MY truth in order to pacify her, and I am not okay with doing that.

On the other hand, I'm already going to hell, so I doubt that the degree to which I'm going to hell is really going to make any difference to her god.

Interwebnet, WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO?

31 comments:

  1. My mother, and GRANDMOTHERS are on Facebook. Therefore, I don't publicize my blog on Facebook. And I use Twitter as the place to release my Turret's Syndrome...

    Either that or hurry and create yourself a 'happy-go-lucky' alter ego Facebook page, one for god-fearing Christians only.

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  2. Psh...just do it. She finds what she finds. Besides, she's not allowed to judge you anyway, only God can do that. You can even use that line on her ;)

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  3. Obviously the only choice is to cut off all your mother's fingers so she can never use a computer again.

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  4. my gramma and parents are all on Facebook too. Just keep the blog address OFF your profile.

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  5. its easy! when she adds you, IGNORE! she wont know she isnt your friend, she'll just think you havent checked FB in a while. its called FB limbo! OR!!!! You can create a dummy FB page for mom. Add her through the dummy page thats is all good and NOT evil like the dry humper lol

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  6. Just dont click on her when she wants to friend you dont ignore but dont friend either leave her in limbo. I did it with family and it works like a charm. Its pretty funny though. My moms on fb too

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  7. 1. remove blog from real facebook
    or
    2. create fake face book for family

    I'm not even going to put the third, "cencore Cat" option, because in my mind it is not an option.

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  8. I hear you. There's this famous quote from Dr. Seuss that says something like be who you are and say what you mean because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter. That quote really bugs me because sometimes the people who mind do matter because it's your mom.

    as far as advice is concerned - eliminate any reference to your blog from facebook - shutdown networked blogs etc, because she'll find you if she wants to. Who knows, she just may google you some day and find your blog anyways.

    ... or maybe her computer will have a terrible accident...

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  9. Fake a seizure. Or pretend you go into a fugue state when you write and ANOTHER Cat is the one doing the writing and basically just scare the shit out of her. My plans always involve emotional torture. I think that's why I'm such a rare gem.

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  10. Hmmmmm. Well, I think refusing to help her set one up would only result in her asking someone else to do it. But if refusing will stop her, refuse.

    If it will not, set it up and be HONEST with her. As in, "Mom, I gotta have some privacy and I still haven't gotten over the diary incident. I am an adult and I need to feel free to say what I want without censoring it in fear of offending you. Anyway, normal people do not have their Mom's as Facebook friends."

    Maybe that last part isn't so true but it doesn't matter. So, I don't envy you. My mom couldn't even turn on a computer much less find my accounts. Whew! I thank your Mom's friend, Jesus, for that!

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  11. Oh, just tell her you haven't 'gotten around to it' until she loses interest.. :):)
    Or tell her that Facebook is run by Satinists.. Um.. That might not be a lie.. :):)

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  12. HA HA HA HA HA HA! I would give you advice but I can't stop laughing long enough!! Your Mom, your blog! Oh to be a fly on the wall. I am chocking from the laughter. I could just send her a link and get it all over with but I'm afraid she would think I am a heathen by association and we all know that isn't true!

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  13. I am on Facebook and have a few other bloggers as friends but I don't talk blog on it. Basically gotta keep my brother in the dark. If mom catches wind of the blog all hell's gonna break loose.

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  14. Facebook is allowing members to create usernames on Saturday. Maybe you could have a ziplockofbones username and a real name user name for the pious.

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  15. Or even zipbagofbones if you're particular.

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  16. My really religious aunt is on FB, and I am sure that she just loves some of the quizzes I do.

    And my ranting! LOL.

    She doesn't check it that much, and I am probably already a black sheep anyway.

    I also do not have my blog associated with Facebook. My blog kinda sucks, I think, but people just don't need to see that shiz.

    My sister is on FB, so even though my Mom isn't, she may see it. But they are used to me by now!

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  17. I actually hate Facebook! Mmmmmm, I've got 700 friends...me thinks not!!

    Maybe start another blog for family members and make them all co-writers?

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  18. OK, here's the deal. Be careful even if you don't friend her, because if she friends someone you know and that person thumbs ups or comments on your blog link, she can follow it unless you change your settings. And if someone she friends mentions your blog, she'll see it in her news feed. I figure I'm about a month away from being outed myself, so I'm hyper-vigilant.

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  19. I was just thinking about this today. My sister in law wouldn't even THINK to ask her kids to be friends. she's only friends with her friends.

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  20. First, it is good to know there will be good company in hell. And second, I would tell her you can't be her friend on Facebook. My kids had no problem with that line because honestly, I don't want to know about some of their shenanigans.

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  21. "EMERGENCY CRY FOR ASSVICE"

    ???

    Is that even legal?

    I hope it is!

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  22. You poor, poor girl.

    I also can't keep a diary. I'm horrified by the concept. My mother stuck hot cattle brands on my eyeballs too.

    My blog is specifically FOR family members (hence the lack of cursing/ dirty jokes/ references to drug use not ending in apologies and claims that none of it's true...) So I don't have your problem.

    I do, however, have the problem of every relative I know wanting me to help them set up a Facebook page. EVERYONE. So I did. And then I deleted my own. That's how I roll.

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  23. Yeah, my mom had a Facebook page before I did. Which astounds me because she can barely email and needs assistance to buy things online. When her Facebook invite landed in my inbox I just ignored it. And I continue to ignore it.

    Can I just say that this:

    "...she's heading back home to Arkansas (insert banjo here..."

    Is why I love you.

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  24. I am my 20 somethings boys friend on facebook but since I never check and wouldn't really care what they wrote. It's no big deal. My thoughts on the subject. You are a grownup now. Tell your mother that you would be happy to set up her account. She may not even ask to be your friend. If she does I would be honest. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that you would rather not. If she is anything like my mother there is nothing you can do that won't hurt her feelings or disappoint her. That is the way some moms roll.

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  25. Durr.... You can go to your profile and click on the little lock where you have your link to your blog and create a list of those who can not see that information when they view your fb page. Thats what I do because I have so many teenagers and family who want to "friend" me.

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  26. Tell her it's all so technical that you don't feel you would be able to help her.

    I used that one before. Works great. :o)

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  27. Or just say - I want my privacy.

    I choose A. ha ha ha

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  28. I could have written this post except that my mom never heard about me getting dry or wet humped by any men of god or satan or anything else. My parents are computer illiterate and I hope they NEVER get keen on Facebook. Also, my blog life and my FB life are totally separate, I suggest you start taking steps to do the same.

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  29. Do NOT let her find your blog! I love it here. I feel all safe and warm, like I'm catting with a down to earth awesome friend. Take it from me, my parents AND my grandmother read my blog causing me to constantly censor what I write. In fact, one year after starting it I actually used the word "FUCK" on it. *That's* how censored I have been. I agree it is YOUR blog. Keep it that way!

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  30. Maybe I'm insane... I guess I take the "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" approach to blogging. I love that my Dad and brothers and cousins and roommate occasionally read my blog. Heck, even my manager has access to it, if she wanted to read it. I think it makes me a more considerate person, though I suppose it also makes my blog rather dull at times. It's a trade off.

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  31. start a different facebook where you're all innocent and accept her on THAT one only. :)

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You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.