Monday, August 03, 2009

Melty Hair

Ya'll, the Housewarming BBQ was so much fun and went off with not one hitch unless you count the thunderstorm which drove our guests into Spider Town (aka the garage) and the food turned out to be delectible and we had more than enough beer for the masses (and nobody even drank wine, so I've got, like, an entire case of it ALL TO MYSELF) and most of our good buddies were able to make it to the party and they brought me even more wine and they brought Gray beer and we were given several very thoughtful gifts and complimented endlessly on the work we've done to the house and we got to spend some time with the fascinating new neighbors and their hyper-verbal children and everybody had a great time despite the massive thunderstorm which rolled overhead no more than 3 seconds after Gray lit the bonfire... fact, we had such a great time that I should have known I was going to pay dearly for my contentedness and relief. Such is the life of a pessimist. So it goes.

So in preparation for Gray's annual family reunion on Saturday, I was drying my hair using a round brush like I've done every single morning for the last 8 million years, except this time because I owed a debt of contentedness and relief to The Universe, and probably because my blow dryer is 5 years old, instead of my hair winding up dry, it wound up melted.

And when I realized I smelled burning hair, I started to panic and thrash my head about this way and that, and then I got really close to the mirror, close enough to realize my pores are getting bigger (WTF?) and that's when I saw the dark circle in my hair.

It was about the size of a dime, and in my head I went NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I'm pretty sure out loud I went, "No no no no no no no no no no no!" and then I brought my arm up to touch the dark circle and I could hear all the demons of hell cackling and I could smell the brimstone that awaits me in the afterlife, and my arm was all moving in slow motion and I had time to think, "Dude, my eyes are REALLY big right now".

And when finally my trembling fingers reached up to touch the dark circle of my melted hair, they jostled the melted area and it all fell away from my head in clumps and tiny little frizzes, and my life flashed before my eyes and then I died.

These are what I call my Eyes of Displeasure. They fit nicely within the Face of Displeasure, something I've been wearing all weekend, thanks in part to my $1,000 in unexpected emergency car maintenance.

Thanks, Universe. And by "thanks", I mean "Fuck you".


  1. Ah..
    It'll grow back....?

  2. oh no, that sucks. That is almost as bad as the time that I tried to light the grill and instead got a big explosive fire ball in my face, which in turn singed off my eyebrows and completely burned my bangs so that they were one inch long. So, count your blessing dear, it could have been much worse ;)

  3. OMG I am so sad for you, and I'm also so laughing my ass off, sorry, funny story.

    I'm with Petra, at least you didn't fry off the front of your hair and leave yourself with one inch of bangs, that would have been completely tragic.

  4. I can totally relate to hair trauma.
    When I was 9, living with my dad and his parents.. I wanted my bangs cut.. so grandma cut them.. and all I had left were nubs.
    I went to school in tears.. my 3rd grade teacher tried putting a head band on to cover it up. I'm here to tell you, there wasn't a head band big enough!

    So sorry Cat.

    It looks almost as if the hair dryer tried to eat your hair. Weird for sure.

  5. Oh yeah.. and FUCK YOU UNIVERSE!

  6. Um, would a completely cruel Universe leave you with a full case of wine?

  7. Oh dude... that sucks. And I'm happy to chime in on the whole FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE!

  8. Maybe just tell Gray's family you just got done effing. That'll explain it away. I'm so full of good advice I'm practically exploding.

  9. I once lit my head on fire when lighting a faulty gas grill with a cigarette lighter. Big Boom followed by the smell of burning hair and the sound me screaming.

    It'll grow back.

  10. hahahahaha oh whatever, you should just give yourself a haircut for fun. that's what i do when something like that happens.

    you'll be fine. i bet nobody will even notice.

    glad your party went well! (lol spider town)

  11. So, in return for a full case of wine to yourself the Universe took a few strands of hair.

    Totally fair.

    The car issue. Complete bullshit.

    Fuck you, universe.

  12. Well at least, out of tragedy, came a cool picture of burnt hair. That first shot rocked. Glad the party was fun, albeit rainy. I'll take the leftover beer for the year 2027 when both kids go away to college. Not much drinking around here now. Now imagine my sad, wish I were drunk eyes.

  13. NOOOOOoooooooooooo.....

    And the fucking car repair! Gah!

  14. Hair and tooth trauma/drama is my biggest fear. Oh dear. You have just lived out my deepest fear.

  15. I just did the EXACT SAME THING a few months ago (minus the round brush and the awesome pic).

    I didn't even know hair could do that.

  16. You still have the wine, right? So what's the problem, my friend?

  17. I think that is about the funniest thing I've ever read about burning your hair off. And I mean that in the kindest way possible. You COULD dye it blue and try and start a new trend?

  18. I think it's cute! You just have to OWN it. You know, like you did when you broke your arm. And had worms. And all those other sexy times.

    (This is way sexier though, swear!)


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