Friday, October 03, 2008

I Am Such A Poser

Well, you should know right off the bat that I stole this entire idea from http://www.amalah.com/. Her original, much funnier posts are found http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2005/03/mocking_stupid_.html and http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2008/04/eggplant-will-m.html. Please forgive me for not having figured out how to embed a link yet. I know that cutting and pasting are so totally 90's.

Since I decided that it would be great to steal this idea, I've been scouring the Internet for all of the Best Dumb Questions Found on a Pregnancy Message Board posts that I could find. Unfortunately, I have a very short attention span, and so this will probably be closer to The Best Dumb Questions Found Before I Totally Lost Interest in Reading More Dumb Pregnancy Message Board posts. Here goes nothing:


Im pregnant with my first and am at 5 weeks and I read that you need to have a blood test done ? Are they really needed? Im scared to death of needles and I have neer given blood in my life!!! Im almost to scared to get the test done. I know that it might be a silly thing ot be scared of. I mean in only 8 months I’ll be bringing a new life into the world but that doesn’t really scare me all that much. But this blood test does?

It’s ok honey, I’ll go with you to the doctor’s office and hold your hand. Then afterwards, you can have pick a sucker and we’ll put a nice Sponge Bob band-aid on your arm. Please don’t faint when the doctor pulls out the speculum.

I really hope this poor woman is planning a natural childbirth. Heaven help her when she learns how the epidural works. (Also, I’m a little afraid for her child…thinking perhaps she won’t be rushing to get those handy-dandy vaccinations any time soon…)

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HI

I am 15 weeks now and since yesterday I am having burning sensation in stool area.

Does anyone have any idea what it could be.

thanks

PLEASE REMAIN CALM. What I need you to do is remove the gerbil from your ass. That should take care of the problem.

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Is it safe to use nail polish remover, and nail polish while pregnant??

Only if you huff it. Freebasing has proven to have ill effects on the fetus.

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Cafeen. I know that your supose to limit to....2 servings a day?.....but why? Just wondering. I know a lot of it isn't really good for anyone, but does it do something to the baby? I just wish i could do something just because they said so....LOL.

This totally confuses me too. I mean, everything you eat and drink ends up circulating through your blood stream and into your unborn child, so why wouldn’t you want to pump your baby full of chemical stimulants? It’s so confusing! If my baby were on the outside, she’d be having a cup of coffee with me and dishing about her placenta problems right now. Your child will be drinking Pepsi from the bottle in a few months anyway. It’s better for her to build up a tolerance early. Just make sure that you keep smoking and doing meth, you know, to balance out the effects of the cafeen.
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I am only 5-6 weeks along. I haven't even seen my doctor yet. My husband wants to go to Wendover this weekend but I'm concerned about the smoke in the casinos. Am I being dumb?

Yes, you’re a dumbass. You should have left that moron before he knocked you up.
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This is really really inappropriate, but I want to ask anyway. Is it ok to use a vibrator during pregnancy? Thanks!

If I wasn’t offended by the question about burning stool area before, this question just sent me right over into righteous indignation. WHORE!

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I haven't had sex since the end of December, so that makes me think I'm not pregnant because I think it would be more noticable than it is since it's been that long? I got the Depo shot in December and haven't gone back for another since it made me sick. I had constant light & heavy random bleeding until March, but I haven't had any bleeding since then. I've gained about ten pounds... which to me doesn't sound like much? I am 5'5" and normally weight about 140 and now weigh 150. About 2 weeks ago I was driving home from work and I felt some weirdness in my abdomen... it almost felt like there was some kind of pressure bubble inside me. I've also had lots of burping - which might just be from what I'm eating? I haven't felt any movements other than the one day that I felt the bubble. I also haven't had any weird cravings.

(This was posted in July)

My dear, if you got pregnant in December and are just now asking yourself these kinds of difficult, life-changing questions…I’d say just not to worry about it too much. Keep pretending like nothing abnormal is going on. You will probably have the child and not even realize for several months. There’s no reason to interrupt your busy schedule of being an ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL FREAKING FREAK FACE to go to your doctor and get checked out. You’d be better served by attempting to get some action after your long, dry spell.

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here's the deal, this is gonna sound horrible, but i've gotten 3 different girls pregnant in the last 3 yrs...the first 2 miscarried...& now, my fiancee is already having problems and she's only 6 wks along:(

I’m guessing these “miscarriages” might have something to do with the fact that you keep having sex with “girls”. I’m sure these “girls’” parents took them to a clinic where these kinds of “accidents” can be “taken care of” before everyone finds out that their 13 year-old-daughter got knocked up by some deadbeat pervert who can’t keep the trouser snake under wraps. Please go get tested for every STD that has ever existed and email your address to me. I’m going to ship you a carton of condoms tomorrow.

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so my question is simple...can men cause miscarriages??

Yes, yes they can. They can also cause all the symptoms of pregnancy, like cramping. And heatburn. And nausea. And migraines. And a burning sensation in the stool area, now that I think about it.
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I'm sacred of the reality that my baby is going to look like it's chinese father/my husband (i'm caucasian). I don't know how i'm going to cope bonding with it, i love my husband but feel a bit disappointed it wont look like me

First of all, I’d hardly say this post is sacred. But more to the point: I don’t blame you for hoping your child looks like you. That would be preferable to your child being a bigot like you. Fingers crossed! (Remember, there’s always a chance that your child will look like your Mexican plumber, so be prepared for that as well.)