Friday, October 24, 2008

The Trouble With Smoking

First, can I just say...ENOUGH WITH THE BLEEDING ALREADY! God, I feel like some kind of really grotesque sieve over here. Stupid fucking pads, I hate them. I feel like I'm wearing a giant diaper every day (as opposed to the small diapers?). And I miss my thongs. Full coverage panties are so restrictive.

Ok, moving on.

The trouble with smoking, aside from the whole "really bad for your health" thing, and the "really hard to quit" thing, oh and the "god I really smell bad" thing...are the logistical problems that arise, namely the buying of the cigarettes and the smoking of the cigarettes. Which basically describes the whole process of smoking, now that I think about it. Shut up.

Buying them is becoming a problem. Aside from the rising cost and inconvenience of stopping to buy them, there seems to be a shortage of cigarettes available for purchase. It must be some kind of weird side effect of the economic trouble. I ran into a small gas station by our apartment building last Friday to buy a pack of my preferred brand (and by "preferred brand", I mean the only brand I will spend money on. It's the brand with the two-humped creature on the packaging. That brand is my brand. The light variety, to be more specific). It's a very popular brand, and in my experience, it is generally well-stocked in gas stations across America. But last Friday, the gas station didn't have any variety of my preferred brand. None whatsoever. They had one brand and one brand only. An icky brand. It seems they are experiencing a cash-flow problem at the moment. In addition to cutting back the variety of cigarettes, they also quit stocking chewing gum. Because, you know, gum is so expensive and nobody ever buys it?

Ok, fine. I figured this particular gas station would soon be declaring bankruptcy and that would be that. As it turns out, another gas station in my neighborhood also quit stocking my preferred cigarettes. They still had a couple of the fringe varieties of my brand in stock, but not my preferred variety. So now I'm really concerned about the shortage of cigarettes in the area. It seems like an odd thing to run out of, because don't people smoke more when they are stressed? In fact, that's my favorite excuse for smoking in the first place! I don't see why gas stations still sell flavored coffee creamers if they aren't going to carry smokes. How can you drink delicious coffee without a delicious side of cancer-causing agents? I'm afraid that before long I'll have to drive all the way up to Canada to get my fix. And if that happens, I'll probably be forced to give up the habit entirely, because if you haven't noticed, gasoline is also getting harder to come by.

The second problem is that I have a really bad memory. I'm amazed every day that I make it out of the house with pants on. Pants seem like something I would be apt to forget on a regular basis. I don't like to smoke in our apartment. The morning-after scent is too unpleasant. So I'm forced to go outside, which usually isn't a problem. Except when I forget to bring my keys with me and I lock myself out of the building. Like I did last night. Gray wasn't home and I was kicking myself for not knowing a single neighbor. I stood looking at the door for quite some time, thunderstruck at the situation, because I was JUST IN THERE watching Jon & Kate Plus 8, and the commercial break was almost over and I was going to miss the Christmas episode if I didn't figure out how to break into the building. I walked around to the front door hoping I could sneak in on the coat tails of another resident. I practiced my "I swear I live here, I'm not a robber, I'm just a moron" speech while I waited. I texted my Jill to bring her in on the action (and let's be real, to give her a chuckle). I waited. No one came. Just when I was thinking I'd have to bed down on the stacks of phone books and sleep in the entryway, one of the building managers appeared. He almost walked right by me, apparently mistaking my frantic waving for a greeting. Luckily, he put two and two together and let me in.

I spent the remainder of the night huddled on the couch, trying to warm up after my extended foray with the damp night, and pondering how exactly it is that I find myself in these kinds of situations. I chose to absolve smoking entirely and blame the episode on my crappy memory, therefore avoiding a close-call with having to quit again. See how my rationalization works? It's awesome.

I can't say I was surprised this morning when I couldn't find my keys. Because they were sitting on the bench outside. Where I left them. When I went out to smoke. And thought I was locked out.

9 comments:

  1. OMG! I just laughed out loud. What a goober! I needed that laugh. Thanks :)

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  2. I'm so glad I quite smoking 6 years ago.........

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  3. Oh, no, that's awful that the keys were there the entire time!!!

    I won't say anything about the smoking. I used to counsel college students who wanted to quit. Quitting is hard. But, as you pointed out, so is smoking!

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  4. Well…I can certainly understand the problems with smoking but I am too old to quit now. After all, my vices keep getting picked off one by one and I just don’t have the energy to start cultivating new ones. I’ll only do that when I reach a stage in my life when other people start referring to me as “A Good Influence.”
    Yes, indeed, some habits are hard to break: Alcohol, cigarettes, date-rape…but I digress.
    And I’m shocked to know that there are actually people in the world who watch that dreadful show. So I guess it only figures that you would tend to be absent-minded if you’re overly concerned with what happens on that program.
    I’ve only locked myself out twice in my life and both of those auspicious occasions were the direct result of intense inebriation.
    And due to familial constraints, I have discovered the joy of braving the elements just to get a nicotine fix and it’s no bed of roses.
    So…just go to the bar to smoke. It’s warm, it’s dry, you might meet some interesting characters and there’s no way…NO way… that they’ll have that crappy show on the television.
    But I guess that thinking you’ve locked yourself out is not quite as bad as actually doing it and…no, wait, Yeah. It’s worse. Much worse.

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  5. If you leave the house without your pants, you should have no trouble finding lots of nice gentlemen who are willing to give you a smoke.

    Men are so helpful that way.

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  6. Oh my GOD!!! The keys... that's funny yet horrible, and I'm just glad it wasn't me because I've been doing stuff like that lately.

    I only smoke when I'm sitting around with other people who are smoking. It is a good excuse to take a break and go outside. Other than that? I can't think of any positives.

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  7. Number 1, switch to tampons. personally, the idea of pads really freaks me out because it seems really... well, unclean.

    secondly, I have the exact same problem. I find that I smoke less when it starts getting cold, too. except at work. I NEED a smoke break at work. it's like, "I've worked for 2 hours, I deserve this!" Then I go outside and there are at least 5 other people standing there, huddled together, wrapped in coats, looking like homeless people huddled around a burning trash barrel, rubbing their hands together and breathing heavily on them--like that helps.

    no, I don't have a point.

    btw, the word verification said "fartall". I couldn't make this shit up.

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  8. I locked my keys in my car. I called the MPs -- because this was on an Army installation -- and a nice young man (those young soldiers make me feel very old, since my oldest kid is 18 and could be in the army, and plus, they call me ma'am. I am not fond of the word ma'am.)

    Any way, I called and this young MP shows up and is helping me. We are having trouble getting the door unlocked, and he goes to get a different tool or something.

    At which point I discover

    A) the car keys are in my sweatshirt pocket

    and 2) one of the car doors is unlocked.

    This nice young man is helping the retarded lady break into her unlocked car.

    I totally lied to the kid when he got back, made up some story about how we got the slim jim to work.

    Not my most shiniest moment for sure.

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  9. Um, I have a problem with keys too.

    Maybe you should try Chantix. I heard that shit gives you some fucked up dreams. I don't smoke though, so I can't tell you that with any certainty.

    My sister watches Jon and Kate....WTF? WHY? It sucks my will to live.

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You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.