Friday, November 14, 2008

Blast

So I'm in the computer lab at school, and I'm noticing that every visible computer is currently open to myspace. Thank heavens for tax-funded technological improvements! O the wisdomy wisdom students are gaining from their free access to social networking and blog sites!

It's another week night/school night/why am I doing this to myself night here in MN. I will spend my evening sitting in a classroom, listening to an aging woman talk about critical thinking, critically thinking about how to sleep with my eyes open, and wishing it were 8:20 already.

**MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. THIS IS THE SECURITY DEPARTMENT. PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND EXIT THE BUILDINGS IMMEDIATELY. PLEASE LOCATE THE NEAREST STAIRWELL AND EXIT THE BUILDINGS IMMEDIATELY.**

Hmm. That can't be good. No fire alarms, so what's going on?

Now I'm standing outside amidst the milling, smoking students. We're all looking at each other, trying to figure out why we were evacuated. Wait, that guy just said there was a bomb threat. Well that's just great. Some dumbass had a test tonight, I bet. Did I mention that it's 25 degrees out here? It's fucking cold right now. That chick over there is wearing a goddamn t-shirt. We're all going to survive the blast, and then we'll all die from exposure. Wait, maybe the blast will warm us up.

Please blow up! Please blow up! I need to toast my ass on the flaming embers of this great institution.

Ok, now they're herding us across the street. What? It's not safe to stand immediately outside the building when it blows? How will I warm my fingers from way over there? Woah, they must mean business. Some dude with a walkie-talkie just came running by, yelling at us to GET ACROSS THE STREET! Ok, ok we're going. Geeze. Some people are so pushy.

So I'm standing across the street and I can't tell if my nose is running or if it's just frozen off and fallen on the ground. I hate it when people get that little drip of clear snot on the tip of their nose and they don't know it's there and I can't look away. I just stare at the drip wondering if it will freeze solid or if it will just fall to the ground and make way for a new snot drip.

Ok, now people are walking back towards the school. I didn't hear an announcement. Can we go inside now? I'll just wait to see if any of them get in the building before I make my move.

No, they're running back this way. Man, that guy with the walkie-talkie is not happy now. Alright, alright. We're staying here. Lighten up, it's not like we're going to die all the way over here. Unless the guy with the bomb knew we'd clear out, and so he's planning to light up the sidewalks with TNT. But I think he just wanted to get out of a test, and that kind of guy isn't going to have access to that much TNT. So we're all safe over here.

Oh, there's my professor. I'll walk over and see if I can't talk her into cancelling class. Shit, she's got the little clear snot drip going on. Look away, Catherine! Look away! Damn, I can't. She's got a conference in Philedelphia tomorrow and all her materials are inside the building. Don't worry, I tell her. Nothing is going to blow up in there. I know, because the Universe hates me too much to blow up the building so I can warm up. She says there were two fire alarms and one bomb threat last week. It's beginning to look like phoning in a false threat might get me out of my next algebra test...but could I pull it off? I doubt it. I don't have one of those voice mixer things. And I'd probably do something stupid, like call from my cell phone. Or wait on hold while they trace my call. I'm not cut out for bomb threats. Too violent. Maybe...anthrax scares? Hmm will have to look into that.

Ok, now a Minneapolis cop just drove through the crowd and announced, "You can go back to you class, guys." DAMN HIM! We all shuffle back inside.

Now I'm right back where I started. I didn't even miss a single minute of class! We got the all-clear about 10 minutes too soon. But I'm thinking that's probably good, since I can't feel my toes. Time to pretend to give a rat's ass about my 5 Strength Themes. Interestingly enough, my second highest strengh is "empathy". I think the test was broken.