Saturday, November 08, 2008

Food

I like onions. A lot. There was a time when I'd eat them raw with breakfast, although now that I make out with someone daily, I try not to do that anymore. Red ones, yellow ones, white ones, green ones, chives, shallots...raw ones, fried ones, carmelized ones, diced, sliced, grated, rings, blossoms...you name it. If it's an onion, I like it. If you are serving hot dogs or brats, please dear god have onions set out. Chili? Better have onions set out. Burgers? Yes, I want them on there too. I know you don't like onions, but people do. Other people do. Please have mercy on us and serve onions. Pretty please? (Also, I LOVE The Onion. Those people there, gosh if they aren't funny. That? Would be my dream job. I mean, check this out. And this. OMFG ROFL LMAO and all that.)

I like garlic. An awful lot. I don't eat it raw, except in stuff like homemade guacamole and salsa, but I do put it in almost everything. You eat my food? Hope you like garlic. I like to roast it in the oven, squeeze it out of the skins, mush it with salt, and add it to butter for spreading. I love to rub cloves of it on hot bread. I love to smash the cloves and peel them. I love the smell of my hands when I've been cooking with it. I put it in sauces, soups, stews, pastas. If they made garlic ice cream? I'd eat it. Vampires fear me. Itialian mothers adore me. The rest of you just avoid me.

I like hot peppers. O so very much. I like to grow them, I like to pick them, I like to save them in the freezer for chili. I like them raw, cooked, pickled, dried. I like to eat a seranno with my meal, bite it like a carrot. I like them on tacos, on spaghetti sauce, on sandwiches, on hot dogs, with meat and potatoes, cracker with cream cheese. I do not like that I handle them and then I go ahead an touch my eyes. Almost every time. (ps, eyes are not the only sensitive tissue that does not appreciate being rubbed with capsaicin.)

I don't like fish. Any kind of fish. Shell fish, ocean fish, tuna fish, fish sticks. If it EVER lived in the water, I don't like it. I don't like crab, lobster, shrimp, cat fish, halibut, eel, squid, snails (I know they aren't fish, but they're slimy, so it amounts to the same), salmon, clams, trout. Nothing. If you invite me into your home and you make me fish, I will eat it and smile and tell you it's wonderful, I will help you with the dishes and ask for the recipe, and then I will try never to get invited again. (Also, if you invite me to stay at your house, I will strip the sheets from the bed when I leave. I'm awesome.) Now pearls....I like pearls. But they're too precious to eat.

These are the four foods I feel most strongly about. Oh, and beets. Why the fuck do people eat beets? They either taste like A) dirt or B) pickled, squishy dirt. They stain everything they touch. I do not like them roasted, I do not like them steamed. I do not like the red ones or the gold ones. They are disgusting and they are THE ONLY vegetable I do not like. The ONLY one. But that's ok, because beets don't like me either. Sometimes, I'll be walking to my car late and night and I'll hear a thunk, and I'll turn around and there will be this beet laying there, looking all harmless. But then it rolls after me and I race to my car and slam the door just before it smashes itself upon my windshield, and the juice runs all over the place, and I swear the drips spell EAT ME! It's creepy.

To recap: Onions, garlic and peppers - GOOD. Fish and beets - STANKY. Glad we cleared that up.