Thursday, January 08, 2009

Just When You Imagined You'd Seen The Breadth of My Lameness

Petra at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy came over to my house yesterday and we totally made out on the couch in my basement until my parents come home early and started screaming something about hell and how were are both going there in some sort of basket. We tried to make it look like we'd only been playing Donkey Kong the whole time, but I think her lipstick on my ear may have been visible even in the candle light. So they called her mother to pick her up and sent me to my room to think about what I'd done. Then later, Petra snuck out of her house and was throwing little pebbles at my window, and then she serenaded me with her accordion (did you forget she plays the accordion?) and then she told me she'd wait for me forever, and then she tagged me for this photo meme.

Or...well, it went something like that anyways.

I had to follow some steps for this meme (which, for you lay people, means "lame version of cyber tag used when posting actual words proves difficult due to hangover or idiocy"), which was difficult for me because I was really drunk already and I kept trying to juggle because I thought the second rule said to "juggle some grapefruits", but all I had were carrots (the baby kind), so it didn't work out very well. Plus, I'm a really bad juggler. But fortunately, Gray pointed out that the second rule actually says, "Go to your 6th file", so I had to start the whole thing over.
  1. Go to your documents
  2. Go to your 6th file
  3. Go to your 6th picture
  4. Blog about it
  5. Tag 6 friends to do the same

Behold, the dog named Bailey, who neither belongs to me nor particularly cares for my company:

Bailey belongs to my Fairy Godparents (if you don't have a set of those, I highly suggest you pick yourself up one)((pair of them))(((or just one, I'm not biased against single Fairies))). It was just about 2 years ago now that myself, my Jill, my sister, my Fairy Godmother, and another friend NeeNee...well, we nearly killed poor Bailey in what would have been a tragic boating accident. Fortunately for me, she didn't die and it really turned into a pretty funny story, so long as you have no scruples or love of animals. Or so long as you're drunk.

It was about a month before I was to marry my now ex-husband. We were at the Fairy Godmother's beautiful lake home in western Wisconsin for my "bachelorette" party. There may have been alcohol involved. We were on a deck boat, cruising around Balsam Lake with Bailey on board. Bailey was recovering from both knee and hip surgery, if memory serves. She was taking it kinda easy, as opposed to the rest of us who may or may not have been topless.

Our friend NeeNee was driving the boat, and she decided to stop the boat without any kind of...I don't know...slowing down process. She just kind of turned the thing off, and we all went flying into each other.

Bailey flew right off the front of the boat, which then ran her over. Her, and her poor, gimpy legs. I believe there may have been some panicking until we saw her surface behind the boat and begin paddling to us. And there was no red water or floating doggy parts behind her. Apparently NeeNee got the motor turned off in the knick of time. (Bailey was was all, "Yeah you bitches, this is GREAT because my fucking legs hurt and I just had my fur done, but whatever, don't worry about me, it's my own damned fault for getting on this death trap with a bunch of drunken buffoons.")

For some reason, I think she blames ME for her near-death experience, even though I wasn't driving the boat (or even aware that I was still ON the boat). It was my party (funeral) after all. To this day, when I visit my Fairy Godparents, Bailey flips me off and calls me a whore, which of course is why I heart her. Plus, who doesn't love talking dogs?

Oh, and YOU THERE! You're tagged. Yes, you. I know it's Friday, I'm sorry to impose this upon you before the weekend, but it can't be helped. Don't try to sneak away, I know you saw this. You're tagged and there's nothing you can do about it.