Thursday, January 01, 2009

Popping My Spin Cycle Cherry

Is it going to hurt? This Spin Cycle? IT'S A BIG BLOGGY DEAL folks. All the "real" bloggers are doing it. I want to be like them when I grow up. That's why I dig through their garbage cans and steal their panties. It's all about showing my respect for their blogs. The restraining orders are so unnecessary.

To be fair, I planned to do a post about my goals for 2009 anyway (notice I don't use the word "resolutions", because if there's one thing I'm not, it's resolved). Then I saw Petra's post and I was like, "FINALLY! I can get my toe in the door! The new visitors to my blog, they will be many! I might even get my first troll! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!" And then Gray looked up at me and asked what the hell I was talking about and gave himself the sign of the cross. And he's not even Catholic. He predicted some time ago that I'd have 40 followers by the end of the year, and I'm sad to say that he was 3 people wrong. And I blame you, lurkers. It's all your fault. It's got nothing to do with my cop-out photo posts and my flagrant disregard for the commonly accepted measures of public decency. It's because you read but don't follow. Bastards.

So here you go, you mooching fools: My Goals for 2009

  • First and foremost, I am going to do SOMETHING with our barren, baby-less second bedroom. We moved twice in 3 months to get that extra bedroom - the bedroom that sits empty save for some boxes of garage sale baby toys and maternity clothes. Uh-uh, that's it. I'm done with preserving the shrine to Gage - that room costs us $80 a month buster, I love you and all, but Mama's putting up the damn dart board already. If anyone has a futon for sale, lemme know!

  • I know I did this last year, too, but I am going to quit smoking. For reals. STOP LAUGHING! I swear. Last New Year's Day, I quit cold turkey and made it 6 months. Then in June, my baby sister stumbled upon the dead body of someone she loved very much, and I rushed to her side to...I don't fucking know what I thought I was going to do, I just knew I needed to be there immediately...and I started smoking again right then and there. My mom was here visiting from Arkansas - She's the Queen of the Anti-Cigarette Coalition - and didn't batt an eyelash when she saw me light up that day. So I think I was justified. Then I quit again in August when I got knocked up, then I started again in October when I lost the baby...and here we are back to January already. I'm hitting the "reset" button on my lungs. Seriously. (so long as I don't get drunk enough to forget that I quit.)((so basically until next weekend.))

  • In my former life, I was renown for my greeting card-sending skills. They were mad, my skills. Everyone in the family and all of our friends could expect to receive cards for their birthday, anniversary, big occasions such as births or funerals, thank you's for everything imaginable, and holidays. I took great pride in remembering my ex's second cousin's husband's birthday, although I'd never met him before and probably never would. In fact, I'm sure many of those distant relatives found it very odd indeed that I had their home address. Some of them may have changed the locks on their doors. I also wrote a quarterly newsletter that I so cleverly named The Campbell Quarterly (freaking genius, huh?) and sent that out to keep the family abreast of our lives, our dogs, our jobs, etc. When my ex and I split, I sort of boycotted the whole greeting card thing, and I've been really bad about it every since. This weekend, I'm dusting off my old address book, burning all the pages with my ex's family, and I'm starting anew. I've already sent out Thank You's for Christmas and a birthday card to my grandpa Gus. (Yes, his actual name is Gus. Cutest damn thing I've ever heard.)

  • Running. I'm going to keep doing it. Honest. In fact, I was ::this:: close to skipping the indoor track yesterday after work - it was a holiday! I had food to gather for the party! I had to find the chip'n'dip! - but I dragged myself there anyway. Unfortunately, I neglected to notice the sign on the front door of the community center which read that they were closing at 4:30 for New Year's Eve, so I was midway through my second mile when they Um, whoops? Guess I'd better leave now.

So. That's pretty much all I can expect out of myself in one year, as I'm really quite a lazy mo'fo, and at any given moment of the day I'd rather be laying on the couch watching Jon&Kate Plus 8. Other things I would add to the list if I thought there was any chance in hell I could manage them: writing more positive feedback letters when I receive excellent customer service (or you know, any at all), submitting a few short stories for publication (I'm laughing, too), cooking with mostly local foods (ever had local tomatoes in MN in the winter? me either), and figuring out how to drink 3 bottles of wine by myself without blacking out (or at least passing out at the same time I black out, so as to avoid the awkward, "Did we have sex last night?" conversation.)

I'm ready for a new fucking year. 2009 go ahead and BRING IT.