Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Third Person Confuses Me

So I'm considering submitting a couple of pieces of prose to my university's arts & literature magazine. Only problem? I have to write a bio for myself in the 3rd person. Not so easy, I can assure you. My blog bio is not entirely appropriate in this situation. The editor asked me to refrain from saying "fuck", "exsanguinate", "masturbate", or "anal leakage" - which...he might as well kill my spirit already and be done with it.

I will blow* anyone who writes a 150 word (or less) bio for me.

And I don't mean figuratively blow, I will literally blow you. *

Here is a link to the fall 2008 edition of the Inter-rag, go check out the bios if you are so inclined. There's a dude on there named "Rimmer", and I would totally blow** him.

Please help.


*Ok, fine - I can't actually blow you, but I will blow ON you. I've got a sterling reputation to maintain folks. I can't just go around blowing Internet strangers. Anymore.

**Sorry Gray, but it's true. You can totally watch.
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23 comments:

  1. MicheleFebruary 25, 2009 5:17 AM

    I hate writing my own bios but I'll give it a try. Can we do a 3-way, you, me and Gray?

    ReplyDelete
  2. MicheleFebruary 25, 2009 5:19 AM

    OMG, I do Rimmer also

    ReplyDelete
  3. Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) MommyFebruary 25, 2009 5:29 AM

    I will give it a shot, and I will settle for a sweet little kiss on the cheek :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. DebbiFebruary 25, 2009 5:41 AM

    rimmer AND blow in one post? I think that calls for some serious porn and alcohol!

    I got rimmed once. Lemme just say that. Cuz it was awesome! lol

    ReplyDelete
  5. michelleFebruary 25, 2009 6:19 AM

    I always feel the need to know who the third person is and why exactly he or she knows so much about me? What is the motivation here for them telling the world my story? Then I get all creeped out that this supposed 3rd person knows all the dark intimate details of my life... am I being stalked? It just creeps me out and I end up going to bed with a few pills and a bottle of wine.

    I wouldprefer to be dark and mysterious to not have a bio done at all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bird's Eye View PhotographyFebruary 25, 2009 6:30 AM

    Oh you have to post whatever someone comes up with! It is very hard to right about yourself though... my least favorite thing to do!

    ReplyDelete
  7. witchypooFebruary 25, 2009 6:38 AM

    Or, you could write it in the first person, and do a find/replace for "I"
    You're welcome. That Rimmer guy has some wicked intense eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2009 7:07 AM

    what's up with that?

    I say write it the way you want.
    Call it good enuff. ha ha ha.

    Seriously though I'm clueless
    about writing, so I don't have
    any ideas.

    Sorry I couldn't be helpful.

    ReplyDelete
  9. SummerFebruary 25, 2009 7:51 AM

    Isn't it funny how just plain writing about yourself and what is happening in your life seems so easy until someone makes you do it in a formal/non-offensive way? Yeah, that blows. If you need someone to proof it for you, let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  10. rachael chatoorFebruary 25, 2009 8:22 AM

    Maybe if you blow the editor he will let you write whatever the fuck you want?

    Laugh out loud funny girl....;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. C.S. PerryFebruary 25, 2009 9:33 AM

    I'd love to help but I've never been very good with words.

    And I'm not coming (no pun intended) all the way to Minnesota for a blow no matter how good it is.

    ReplyDelete
  12. J.February 25, 2009 10:18 AM

    Funny shit! Have you ever seen Margaret Cho's routine about how her blow jobs became like handshakes? You know, just a polite thing to do.

    ReplyDelete
  13. CaseyFebruary 25, 2009 11:31 AM

    Well, I'm not big on germs so I guess I'm out. Blowing on me just isn't something I'd be up for....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Steam Me Up, KidFebruary 25, 2009 1:53 PM

    Third person bio? How facebook-statusy! Or Royal Highnessy!

    You can still use the word defenestrate, keep that in mind. I won't even ask for a commission.

    ReplyDelete
  15. kristaFebruary 25, 2009 2:06 PM

    I will attempt writing your bio as well, but without using colorful words, describing you will be difficult. I'll pass on the blow, but I will take a drink!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Chris OFebruary 25, 2009 3:07 PM

    here you go:
    "Cat is a transplant from Arkansas. She left before she was forced to breed with her first cousin and have babies with nine heads. She came to Minnesota for the Mall of America, thinking this was the Disneyland of the Midwest. Her happiness was quashed when she realized that Wal-Mart was not a flagship store. She lives with Gray, who she is desperately trying to litter box train. Although the winter weather is harsh and she can’t feel her toes, she is enjoying the area even though everyone talks with a funny accent, don’t cha know."

    ReplyDelete
  17. Irish GumboFebruary 25, 2009 4:40 PM

    Cat:

    I will do whatever I can to help, even if it is only blown ON and not just blown...although technically, you could do both.

    Sort of like a lap dance, in concept. You know, close, but not touching? :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. All This Trouble...February 25, 2009 6:02 PM

    Hold the phone and screw the bio. Go immediately to Whole Foods or Neiman Marcus and buy one of these...


    http://www.boogaj.com/chocolate_blog/2007/07/vosges----mos-b.html

    Now, when do I get the cocaine?
    What?
    Oh. Nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
  19. KeelyFebruary 25, 2009 6:54 PM

    I'm not sure I know you well enough yet to write a bio OR get blown (on). I'll be more than happy to offer my craptacular opinion on the finished product though.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Femin SusanFebruary 25, 2009 9:20 PM

    Hi....
    Wow! Its funny how just plain writing about yourself and what is happening in your life seems...... You are really different person..........

    ReplyDelete
  21. KJFebruary 26, 2009 2:08 AM

    I'm not doin' nothing, but I still want you to blow me.

    That one Chris O wrote above isn't too bad, actually. I always make mine witty and weird because otherwise they're so fucking LAME!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Chris OFebruary 26, 2009 5:21 PM

    Thanks Kat, for saying the bio I wrote wasn't too bad. I'm not a writer nor do I play one on TV. I'm not just the president of the Cat Fan Club, I'm also a cliche.

    Basicly I'm just a smart ass with too much time on my hands.

    ReplyDelete
  23. SuzieFebruary 27, 2009 6:24 AM

    I would
    wish I could
    but I cant
    so i wont

    could you get me a coke instead Im really tired

    ReplyDelete

You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.

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