Look, I really don't have a lot of time here because I just took a gentle, pink, ladies' laxative pill (read: will be straight-up shooting water out of my ass any time now), but I wanted to let you all know that I do NOT, in fact, have a tape worm. I'm oddly disappointed because I'd already kind of come to terms with the idea of playing hostess to a long, white parasite. I named him Astro, I washed the good towels, and I created a spreadsheet to help plan a menu based around what I imagine I would like to eat if I were a tape worm (beer, beef, pickles)((unfortunately, I'm afraid anything noodle-shaped might be considered a territorial threat)), and now I'm not really sure what I should do with this case of re-fried beans I picked up, but on the other hand it's kind of great to know that I won't need to have an embarrassing tape worm extraction procedure, and also because I'm losing this weight on my own.
Well, not really on my own. Apparently I can thank the combination of my life-long undiagnosed IBS and the addition of a calcium supplement to my diet. Did you know that one side effect of calcium is (near death) pooplessness? I didn't either.
The Worm Squad (members of which have, incidentally, been downgraded to "Poop Patrol") believes that the elimination of the calcium from my diet will resolve my gastro-intestinal issues. I did have my blood drawn to check my thyroid, but the doc said she thinks it's ok because "you're thin enough that I would see it through your neck if something were wrong". Be on the lookout for neck bulges, people. I'm just saying.
However, if my shit doesn't straighten itself out, she recommends a "short scope". Um. No fucking thank you. Because quite honestly? Once the scope is actually IN there, who fucking cares if it's long or short? It's the "in" part I've got a problem with. So I'll be avoiding that at all costs. Pooping doesn't equal happiness, people. At least not when stacked up against invasive rectal cameras.
I'm headed to strain my sensitive, personal tissues now, but I thought you'd all like to know (just in time for dinner) that my tape worm wishes and parasite dreams have died. So on that note, have a good bathroom experience, but don't strain yourselves, Interwebnet!
Well at least you don't have worms?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this WAY more than I should have. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteSet that imaginary tapeworm free! It was never yours, apparently.
ReplyDeleteHere's to regularity!
You just named an imaginary tapeworm Astro. Fucking awesome.
ReplyDeleteInvasive rectal cameras. Thanks for tonights nightmare.
ReplyDeleteYou'll find kindred spirits at http://www.poopreport.com
ReplyDeleteHerman sends his love.
I'm reading backwards here but hahahahahha! So sorry to hear that Astro isn't real, tapeworm would be a good weight loss method. I'll have to suggest it to the HASAY peeps.
ReplyDeleteI have a fat neck, doctors are always checking my thyroid and saying my neck is fat. IBS sucks.
The whole idea of a camera on a scope sounds too much like aliens or Inner Space or something, and I'm pretty sure those doctors are pretty much doing it for fun.
ReplyDeleteConsidering you've already named the little guy, I say you just keep him around as an imaginary friend. He likes the same things I like (beer, beef, pickles) so I think we'd really get along.
ReplyDeleteGlad you don't have worms!!
ReplyDeleteBut the pink pill..
Well, just don't go anywhere you don't absolutely have to go!! :):):)
i made you an amazing award, it's on my blog. it must have taken me at least 45 seconds to make, so you'd better appreciate it
ReplyDeleteThat stuff they give you before the scope? It's called "The Night of 10,000 Waterfalls."
ReplyDeleteEnjoy and bring a book. You'll need it.
you are my favorite!
ReplyDeleteOh Cat- dear sweet Cat... You're loosing it. But that's why I adore you. And can I say that your profile pic scared the fuck outta me? It's very Big Brother. :o)
ReplyDeleteWoah, I accidentally read scope as scoop. That'd have been a whole other kind of wrong!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your future digestive efforts!
The second person this week I find having problems in the bathroom...weird.
ReplyDeleteGood luck Cat, I hope everything "comes out"
ReplyDeleteOK. Haha, I crack myself up.
Seriously, I hope you start feeling better soon, you skinny bitch.
I had the scope once..
ReplyDeleteI was laughing so hard, cuz I was high on drugs, that the nurse had to keep saying "You need to hold still for this".. then I'd get all serious.. then laugh again.
When they put me in the recovery room..
I farted and then said to the nurse "run for your life!"
Yeah, them drugs were good!
I too have IBS that was diagnosed late in my life. But mine is the opposite of yours. I have the SHIT ALL THE TIME kind of IBS, both SUCK ASS, Ive been constipated and thats bad times...
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about Astro. You should have an imaginary tape worm funeral. It would be fitting
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about Astro, but good luck with the little pink pill....sounds like a blast, get it?
ReplyDeleteIBS is a throwaway disease that doctors use when they don't know what the hell is wrong with you.
ReplyDeleteAdd 4 TBS of Benefiber to your diet daily, which will help your "IBS" and your pooplessness.
Also, eliminate dairy. All dairy. (bye bye cheese, I'll miss you). And wheat, barley, oats and rye. And double your water intake.
And try acupuncture.
These are the things I do, and my "IBS" is cured. I'm only backed up every once in a while, when I don't do these things.
Awe- I was really starting to get into the story of Astro! All honesty though, I hope you get well and dont shit yourself too much! yikes!
ReplyDeleteI've never had a tape-worm. Once I had a tick I name Steve...
ReplyDelete