Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Couldn't I Just Break An Arm Again?

Look, I really don't have a lot of time here because I just took a gentle, pink, ladies' laxative pill (read: will be straight-up shooting water out of my ass any time now), but I wanted to let you all know that I do NOT, in fact, have a tape worm. I'm oddly disappointed because I'd already kind of come to terms with the idea of playing hostess to a long, white parasite. I named him Astro, I washed the good towels, and I created a spreadsheet to help plan a menu based around what I imagine I would like to eat if I were a tape worm (beer, beef, pickles)((unfortunately, I'm afraid anything noodle-shaped might be considered a territorial threat)), and now I'm not really sure what I should do with this case of re-fried beans I picked up, but on the other hand it's kind of great to know that I won't need to have an embarrassing tape worm extraction procedure, and also because I'm losing this weight on my own.

Well, not really on my own. Apparently I can thank the combination of my life-long undiagnosed IBS and the addition of a calcium supplement to my diet. Did you know that one side effect of calcium is (near death) pooplessness? I didn't either.

The Worm Squad (members of which have, incidentally, been downgraded to "Poop Patrol") believes that the elimination of the calcium from my diet will resolve my gastro-intestinal issues. I did have my blood drawn to check my thyroid, but the doc said she thinks it's ok because "you're thin enough that I would see it through your neck if something were wrong". Be on the lookout for neck bulges, people. I'm just saying.

However, if my shit doesn't straighten itself out, she recommends a "short scope". Um. No fucking thank you. Because quite honestly? Once the scope is actually IN there, who fucking cares if it's long or short? It's the "in" part I've got a problem with. So I'll be avoiding that at all costs. Pooping doesn't equal happiness, people. At least not when stacked up against invasive rectal cameras.

I'm headed to strain my sensitive, personal tissues now, but I thought you'd all like to know (just in time for dinner) that my tape worm wishes and parasite dreams have died. So on that note, have a good bathroom experience, but don't strain yourselves, Interwebnet!