Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I Have GOT To Stop Eating Feces

I'm pretty sure I've got tapeworms. In fact, I'm positive I'm dying from them because I can feel them poking me on the other side of my eye, you know the part where everything connects and cris-crosses, and I can't stop thinking about what they're doing in there, all warm and poop-smelling in my intestines, stretched out all the way from my duodenum to my star fish, sucking up my food and being all white. Evil worms should be black, and yes that IS a fat joke. THOSE BASTARDS!

Don't worry, I've got an appointment with a gastroenterologist tomorrow afternoon. I like to call them the Worm Squad, but they asked me not to do that anymore, something about how I was "scaring the children", but I'm pretty sure that one kid in the waiting room isn't suffering from a worm issue, if you know what I mean. I mean that he's fat.

If I were the gastroenterologist, I'd take pride in being the Worm Squad, and I'd have shirts made up and sell them in my office because can you imagine the bank I'd make if everyone I de-wormed bought one? I mean, DOZENS of dollars we're talking about here people, so why they don't want me to call them the Worm Squad, I'll never know. They should hire me as a marketing consultant, which would technically make me one of the Worm Squad, but I guess that might be a conflict of interest, seeing as I'm dying from tape worms. I better get de-wormed before we take the negotiations any further.

Hopefully the Worm Squad can save me from this violent tape worm infestation before I make those tacos on Thursday, because I've been craving those and I'll be DAMNED if some strung-out white parasite is going to get all the cumin-y goodness. Not on my watch, you slimy little INFIDELS! Although if they want to latch onto all the booze after it's hit my blood stream, they're welcome to those calories.

I won't go into the details of my ailment here. Let's just say that I've been eating for WEEKS now and at this point I'm not really sure where all that food is...um...GOING, exactly, but I DO know where it's NOT going, and that is "into the sewer system", so suffice it to say I'm starting to worry about some sort of "blockage" or "fugue pooping", which I heard is a real thing, but I'm a really light sleeper so somehow I doubt that's the problem in my case.

Also, eating makes me sick.

And then there's the matter of having lost almost ten pounds in the last few weeks, and not on purpose either, I lost ten pounds completely by accident...which - don't get me wrong - I am LOVING the thinness, but then I start thinking about this picture and I remember that I've never lost weight by accident in my entire life (think The Great Grapefruit Diet of '96), and then I'm positive this thing is going to come shooting out of my chest like in that movie The Thing, and it's going to GET on you, and then it's going to bite of your head and then your head is going to grow spider legs and scurry away, and I'd really hate to do that to you people.

So, you know...wish me luck.