Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Is Your Refrigerator Running? Better Beat It With A Crowbar.

So I got a text from Barack Obama this morning.

Let me back up. I was sleeping on the couch, not because I was in any sort of trouble with the Mr., but because I'm a really light sleeper and recently Gray has begun to...ahem...snore like a giant grizzly bear, and also because our mattress is an old piece of shit that is basically shaped like a taco shell, so Gray rolls his big ass into the bottom of the taco, which means he's usually laying on/cutting off circulation to one of my extremities, so I have to wake him up and ask him to scootch over, but by the time I start to drift back to sleep, my arm is once again pinned under the taco meat.

So I've been sleeping on the couch more and more lately, and last night was one of these times. I got up around 4:00, shuffled out to the living room, grabbed my cell phone to set the alarm clock, and proceeded to sleep like the dead until the alarm went off at 6:00. At which time, I noticed I'd received a text message sometime between 4 and 6 a.m. which, like, usually isn't a good thing except that if it were a really bad thing, it would have been a call instead of a text, and also that just shows you how well I sleep when Gray isn't laying on my arm: I'm on the couch in a room that's half-lit because of all the damn exterior lights, and I somehow manage to sleep through a text message even though my phone is 3 inches from my ear.

So I check the message, and I know it's from a stranger because it starts with a "+" instead of with a name, and the area code is 706, which is not a Minnesota area code, and the message says simply, "Hello." WHO THE FUCK SENDS A CASUAL "HELLO" TEXT AT 4:51 AND FORTY SECONDS, I'd like to know?

So I reply back with, "Who is this?" expecting maybe my friend in North Carolina to say she got a new number, or something like that, and forgot about the difference in time zones for a moment when she decided to text me before 5 a.m. instead of sleeping like a normal fucking person.

I started heading to the shower when I heard my message alert sound, so I hustled over to my phone, curious about who the mystery texter could be, and the message said, "Who dis".

Ok, so now I knew the mystery texter was A) black, and also B) texting random phone numbers, because he clearly didn't know who I was even though he said "hello" not more than 2 hours prior. At first I figured this was some new-fangled version of the prank call, The Prank Text, except if that were true, then this kid really sucked at prank texting because it didn't involve penis or balls OR my mother, so I realized I was missing some vital piece of information in this whole circus.

That's when it hit me: the only black person I know is Barack Obama. And he has a blackberry. And he was texting his new friend Cat to say "Hello" in hopes that I will join him on his mission of YES WE CAN, except it didn't sound like he was communicating with me in an "official" capacity, so the only explanation is that he wanted a booty call.

President Barack Obama wants a piece of dis ass.

*Updated* turns out the number 706-599-7366 is a AT&T/Cingular cell phone located in Toccoa, Georgia. So unless Obama's down south eatin' collard greens, I'm going to have to assume this is some kid being funny. Let's teach him what prank texts are really all about, shall we?