Monday, May 25, 2009

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

You'll have to forgive me, I kind of forgot all about you people. I'd like to say that was due to some magnificently romantic tryst involving Beyonce and Gene Simmons, or some hopelessly dangerous adventure wherein my bodice was both ripped and was sewn up again by that nice lady in The Never Ending Story, or at the very least some interesting turn of personal events like, say, winning the lottery or buying a car or getting syphilis from a new tattoo...

...but in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that (aside from the lingering gastro-intestinal distress and upper respiratory infection)((yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to be "scoped" out))(((in my nether regions))) the reason I haven't been posting is because now I'm a junkie and I can't be bothered with anything except where my next fix is going to come from and how much I can get for my used vibrator at the pawn shop if I wash it off real good first, because I need the money man. I need it bad.

Which, big surprise that I went over to the dark side, right? That's like saying the reason Star Jones is thin is because she finally went on a diet, did two reps of crunches a day, and quit eating lard by the spoonful. We all know she had surgery, and we all know I was bound to shoot up one day and decide I like it. And that's exactly what happened.

I'm completely hooked on Twilight.

It's really embarrassing for me because, in theory, I should hate these stupid teenage excuses for horror. Or romance. Or Whoremance. I swore up and down I'd never read them. My main man, SK, publicly knocked the Twilight author and said she "can't write worth a damn", which I have disagree and say that she can't write horror worth a damn, but as far as kickin' it Emo Style, she's off da hook.

The dialogue is editorialized at best, hooked on phonics at worst. The character of Bella is so fucking Emo Obnoxious that I want to punch her in the face. Seriously? Enough with the "I'm Not Good Enough For Edward" bullshit, you're making us all very nauseous, and quit being suck a fucking moron already.

But the STORY. Oh fuck me, the STORY. I CAN'T STOP READING IT. It took me a few weeks to read the first Twilight book because I was bound and determined to hate it. Then I read New Moon in about 36 hours. Then Gray brought home Eclipse last night after work, I picked it up at about 8:00, and by 11:00 I was 200 pages in and had to physically detach the book from my hand and forcibly restrain myself from going after it again.

It's VERY easy to read, thanks to the ultra-simplistic writing style which, presumably is due to the intended audience of "People Who Can't Read About Pre-marital Sex or Actual Gore", but that just makes it easier to fly through the chapters like a hot knife through butter.

It's a gigantic, big, huge guilty pleasure, and I think part of the appeal is that to me, someone who's wet dream involves getting paid to write, Stephanie Meyer has the ultimate Cinderella Story: Girl gets an idea in a dream, Girl writes book based on that dream, Girl's book gets published and then other girls masturbate to her dream, Girl gets paid to write three more books based on that dream. I really have to start sleeping more often.

What more could you ask for? Not having to struggle for years to get your story published? Not having to come up with an idea on your own and workshop the fuck out of it for 20 years?

Heaven, I say.

21 comments:

  1. Heaven is right.

    And a solid reason for the rest of us (me) to loathe her eternally.

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  2. Guilty pleasure is right.

    There must be crack embedded in the pages or something.

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  3. Somehow I've managed to hold off the little girl inside of me and avoid it. Seeing that kids fucked up hair on ads for the movie helped.

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  4. Many, many years ago, I fell prey to something like this. It was called Flowers In The Attic. Sigh....

    I continue to hold out on the Twilight series. I have lots of shampoo bottle backs to read first.

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  5. Oh Cat, I almost spit my iced tea on the monitor when I saw what you were reading. I'm like WHF? Cat has gone off the deep end for sure! Brandon had just me today after your comment on my blog how you were doing? I replied, "So much better. She probably just had seasonal depression."
    I'm yelling for him now to come read your post.

    I hate to admit I'm a twilight fan. But, Like you, I am a fan of the little mormon girl has a wicked dream about a sexy vampire and writes it for the world. WAY TO GO SM!

    Thank you for breaking away long enough to blog!

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  6. mother effer, i keep trying not to read it but then i see things like this and now i think i have to

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  7. My daughter tried to get me to read it, but the cops showed up and threatened to revoke my manhood if I carried on.

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  8. "and then other girls masturbate to her dream"

    Fucking Awesome!

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  9. It's crack, it is. My best friend claims she became a bad mother for the week that she was reading all four books. She neglected her toddler to the point where she decided maybe she shouldn't have another kid.

    Now THAT'S good writing.

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  10. hey.. if you like it, enjoy it... everyone has an episode with literary jerry springer, mine is currently the jim butcher series...

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  11. You make me sick.

    Not really, I just felt like giving you shit. I <3 emo.

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  12. embarrassed as I am ...I did see it , although kicking and screaming to it , only not to view the big screen with all the young girls using their cell phones to take photos of the screen. Too funny.

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  13. I can't even look at you anymore knowing that you're the next victim of Twilight. Ugh.

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  14. *Sigh*
    I have to agree. I was also embarrassed for myself when I got hooked on it. She's a shitty writer, frankly. Trite dialogue, moody/2 dimensional characters... and as an editor, when I read a published book and find myself re-writing sentences because they are so poorly crafted--that just 'aint a good sign. But YES, the STORY!!! It is SUCH a great story.

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  15. Alcoholism, fine, drug abuse, cool, but a twilight addiction? you have SERIOUS problem girl!

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  16. Yes to everything. Horrible writing. Trite,superficial characters (nice stalker behavior, Edward).

    My daughter made me read the first one, and I was lost.

    We need to start a 12 step group.

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  17. they are horrible books, absolutely horrible. it took me 4 days to read them all. i couldn't help myself.

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  18. I broke down and got the Twilight book. I am now searching the streets for NEW MOON crack.

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  19. Oh my gosh this is hilarious! I read the first one, but got annoyed and refused to read any follow ups.

    But....now I'm curious...

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  20. Hah! I can get it free at the Library. Ain't gonna.

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  21. i laugh so much every time i read your blog.
    i swore i wouldn't read twilight, but i'm on the 3rd book now too... read the first two in a 4 day span.

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