Monday, May 25, 2009

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

You'll have to forgive me, I kind of forgot all about you people. I'd like to say that was due to some magnificently romantic tryst involving Beyonce and Gene Simmons, or some hopelessly dangerous adventure wherein my bodice was both ripped and was sewn up again by that nice lady in The Never Ending Story, or at the very least some interesting turn of personal events like, say, winning the lottery or buying a car or getting syphilis from a new tattoo...

...but in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that (aside from the lingering gastro-intestinal distress and upper respiratory infection)((yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to be "scoped" out))(((in my nether regions))) the reason I haven't been posting is because now I'm a junkie and I can't be bothered with anything except where my next fix is going to come from and how much I can get for my used vibrator at the pawn shop if I wash it off real good first, because I need the money man. I need it bad.

Which, big surprise that I went over to the dark side, right? That's like saying the reason Star Jones is thin is because she finally went on a diet, did two reps of crunches a day, and quit eating lard by the spoonful. We all know she had surgery, and we all know I was bound to shoot up one day and decide I like it. And that's exactly what happened.

I'm completely hooked on Twilight.

It's really embarrassing for me because, in theory, I should hate these stupid teenage excuses for horror. Or romance. Or Whoremance. I swore up and down I'd never read them. My main man, SK, publicly knocked the Twilight author and said she "can't write worth a damn", which I have disagree and say that she can't write horror worth a damn, but as far as kickin' it Emo Style, she's off da hook.

The dialogue is editorialized at best, hooked on phonics at worst. The character of Bella is so fucking Emo Obnoxious that I want to punch her in the face. Seriously? Enough with the "I'm Not Good Enough For Edward" bullshit, you're making us all very nauseous, and quit being suck a fucking moron already.

But the STORY. Oh fuck me, the STORY. I CAN'T STOP READING IT. It took me a few weeks to read the first Twilight book because I was bound and determined to hate it. Then I read New Moon in about 36 hours. Then Gray brought home Eclipse last night after work, I picked it up at about 8:00, and by 11:00 I was 200 pages in and had to physically detach the book from my hand and forcibly restrain myself from going after it again.

It's VERY easy to read, thanks to the ultra-simplistic writing style which, presumably is due to the intended audience of "People Who Can't Read About Pre-marital Sex or Actual Gore", but that just makes it easier to fly through the chapters like a hot knife through butter.

It's a gigantic, big, huge guilty pleasure, and I think part of the appeal is that to me, someone who's wet dream involves getting paid to write, Stephanie Meyer has the ultimate Cinderella Story: Girl gets an idea in a dream, Girl writes book based on that dream, Girl's book gets published and then other girls masturbate to her dream, Girl gets paid to write three more books based on that dream. I really have to start sleeping more often.

What more could you ask for? Not having to struggle for years to get your story published? Not having to come up with an idea on your own and workshop the fuck out of it for 20 years?

Heaven, I say.