Monday, June 29, 2009

Moving Bonus

We finished cleaning the apartment on Saturday, and while I was cleaning, I did what any self-respecting woman would do and I took off my pants.

What?!

Bleach STAINS people, this is not exactly new information here.

At one point, a friend (who is also going through the hell that is moving) came to borrow the truck, so Gray met the guy outside to hand over his keys.

So there I was, wiping out the oven in my blue underwear, bra-less in my used-to-be-white tank top, complete with latex gloves, jammin' to something on my ipod (I forget what song, you'll understand why in just a moment), when I look up and see both Gray and his friend STARING AT ME from the entryway.

This is where I died. The End.

***

What actually happened was that I see Gray give me a once-over, and then I see his friend do the same, and then their expressions simultaneously changed from "casual disinterest" to "what the fuck is going on here", the realization dawned in their eyes at the same instant: SHIT, SHE'S PANTS-LESS. Which would have been funny. You know. If I had been wearing pants.

Meanwhile, I was standing frozen in place, like, maybe they wouldn't see me if I just held real still, with my steel wool in one glove, my dignity in the other, ipod still blasting in my ears, completely unable to remedy my predicament because my pants were laying on the floor in the other room and that I was standing in the middle of the kitchen with nothing to hide behind.

Upon the realization that, SHIT SHE'S PANTS-LESS, Gray's friend backed quickly out of the apartment door and into the hallway, presumably to save his eyes from further corruption, and Gray (helpfully) burst into laughter, apologizing that he hadn't realized I was sans clothing, despite the fact that I'd been walking around like that all.day.long.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAND ME MY PANTS?" It seemed like an appropriate question, but it took me a moment before I could form actual words. I was that horrified.

When finally he handed them over I yanked them on and called out to the friend, "Ok I guess you can come back in now." Which he did. And then I continued to clean the oven whilst making small talk with two guys who had just seen me singing in my underwear, all of us pretending that THAT? Did not just happen.

All I could think of was, "I wonder how my ass looked?"

22 comments:

  1. Email me who the friend was. I think that may be the only thing that could make this story funnier!

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  2. I once had a friend who bleached her feet.

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  3. I think this would be an appropriate post to be illustrated with photos. Perhaps a re-enactment with a photographer? It's obligatory. We all need to know how your ass looked.

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  4. this could only be made better if you very wearing really large old lady panties....

    That's hot!

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  5. That was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

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  6. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure your ass looked great, Cat. hahahaha This post is worthless without pics....lol just kidding, the story was awesome.

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  7. Yeah, but did you end up bleaching your pants after that? I really need to know.

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  8. Very, very funny cat! Does give me a strange idea to perhaps start a specialised kitchen cleaning business though! There has to be money in it!

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  9. I haven't laughed this hard at work since the old Jason Mulgrew days.

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  10. Oh, please tell us that they were at least pretty panties!! Poor boy probably didn't know whether to look or die!!! :):)
    With my luck, I'd have had on granny panties with a the elastic going to hell.. :):):)

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  11. Now, you see, here in England, pants = underwear and not trousers/jeans/etc. So try re-reading your posting in a British accent and suddenly you end up bare-ass nekkid.

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  12. if not granny panties, then a thong would make it worse.

    If it were me, I would have been butt naked because that's the only way to clean.

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  13. hahaha that's awesome! it's like it should be a scene in a movie

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  14. Could have been worse. You could have been wearing a thong.

    this is so something that would happen to me. That's probably why I think it is so funny. It wasn't for a change.

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  15. Ohmigosh, Cat. How many times have I told you that PANTS are GOOD?! Come ON!

    Also, I love the new look goin' on up in here! It's all dark and non-generic! Sweet!

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  16. I'm sure your ass was smokin. Gray's friend got quite the show. And a free truck for the day.

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  17. OK< you cant blame Gray for laughing there, thats some random ass shit, id of been dying!

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  18. What kind of truck was it? Also, Nice ass.

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  19. I once tried to iron a shirt while I was naked. That too was a bad idea.

    Hilarious story, Cat.

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  20. Something isn't adding up. You took off your pants so they wouldn't be bleached, right? So then why did your shirt only "used to be white?" Shouldn't your shirt have been bleached, then?

    My guess is that the bleach was a mere excuse and you are some sort of exhibitionist. Gray was in on it.

    I'm on to you, girl.

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  21. Yeah. What's the big deal if you had underpants on? You wear a bathing suit in front of people, don't you? Before I had children, I was all about the naked housework. No sweaty or chemical stained clothing, bonus!

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You.Yeah, you. Speak the fuck up.