Sunday, June 28, 2009

Because I Care About Your Private Parts

Drew G. from Eden Fantasys is a total pimp.

When he asked me to review a sex toy on this blog, I was like, "Where have you been all my life?" and he said that he was busy rockin' mullet in New Jersey and trying to get into girls' pants, and he was also really into stamp collecting, and then I told him that I used to collect stamps too, and since we were like long-lost twins, that he should surprise me and send me something he thinks I might like, but then I clarified that I didn't want anything butt-related because I only like watching anal porn and would prefer to retain my "exit only" status, so he sent me the Bnaughty to try for myself, and basically proved that the Internet knows way too much about me, because it's exactly what I would have chosen for myself, which means he knocked it out of the park. Or, to put it into stamp collecting terms, his selection hadn't even been licked yet, or anything.

Hi, I'm Cat. I over-share in a public venue, and then I tell Jesus that he's boring. Welcome to my blog.

So I got this bullet-style vibrator last week - it was delivered to the management office at our apartment building while I was at work, and for those of you who enjoy your privacy (obviously I have no concept of such a thing), I'm happy to report that the package was unrecognizable for what it truly was, and very well could have been a sheet of vintage Sinatra stamps that I bought on EBay. As funny as I think a giant cock-n-balls would be, stamped on the front of the box, shocking and awing everyone it encounters from NJ to MN, the package was very discreet.

Inside the Bnaughty box, I found an instruction pamphlet, which was disappointing in that it was not product-specific, which can be confusing as fuck to morons such as myself, and said something along the lines of, "If your product is waterproof, take care to dry the vibrator thoroughly after use and remove the batteries," which sparked a 30 minute panic attack over whether or not it would actually electrocute me to death if I took it into the bathtub. The box clearly said water-proof, but the instructions didn't back that up, and I tend to dwell on insignificant details like the possibility of electrocution.

Once that was all sorted out, I found the enclosed drawstring storing pouch which is awesome because I never know exactly where to store my vibrators but this one was like STORE ME HERE, DUMBASS, and also because it's like Crown Royal for your clit.

Align Center

So I think the purpose of a vibrator with a remote control is probably so that you and your partner can play together, and there's an element of surprise because you don't know if he/she will kick the level from 1 up to 2, or jump all the way up to 4 but bring it back down to 1 at just the right moment to drive you crazy. It's like playing the lotto with a guaranteed cash prize. I've never had a "two can play" vibrator before, so this one was a lot of fun. I think it would be better if it were wireless because the cord is slightly constraining, but Gray didn't seem to mind because he loves anything that comes with a "clicker".

It, in fact, did not electrocute me in the tub. Which is, you know, a plus. It also gave me my first completely submerged 'gasm, which is also a plus.

We're moving right now, and it doubled as a kick-ass egg scrambler when I couldn't find my whisk the other day. Fluffiest damn eggs I've EVER had. I've also been using it to massage my aching rib at night. It's the perfect size to really get into a specific knot and go to town. I'm not sure that's what BSwish had in mind when they created the Bnaughty, but they might consider marketing this sex toy to athletes and physical therapists. They could call it the Bknotty.

OVERALL RATING: Four stars out of five!

I'm more of a "manual" kind of girl because vibrators tend to make me itchy afterwards, but if you're a fan of the battery-operated orgasm, this is a really fun one that would travel well and could probably be used in public pretty easily. Hmmm, that's an idea...I'm writing this from a coffee house right now....

Anyway, now for the BEST PART! Drew the pimp and Eden Fantasys are going to send one lucky reader their VERY! OWN! BNAUGHTY! You want it, I know you totally do! Bow chicka bow wow...UH!

Ok, so you have to live in either the U.S. or Canada to enter this giveaway, and you must be at least 21 years old. Them's just the regulations for this kind of thing, like it or like it. If you're foreign and young...NO SEX TOY FOR YOU!

Everyone else, leave a comment on this post and tell me: What's Your Favorite Sex Toy? If you don't have one, you're lame, but you can still enter the giveaway. I'm going to take entries from today, June 28th, until midnight (Minnesota time) on Sunday, July 5th, 2009.

(Also, please keep in mind that if you're one of those people who's profile is set to No-Reply Comment? You will need to be sure and include contact information in your comment/entry. If I can't find you? Your entry will be DELETED, even if I know who you are, because I'm lazy like that.)

Until then, you know what I'll be doing. I un-earthed my box of porn yesterday.

Good luck!