AP - 1 hour ago
Washington D.C. - As President Barack Obama Prepared to tape his back-to-school speech for America's school children, members of his cabinet began noticing marked changes in the President's demeanor.
Says Florida's GOP party Chairman Jim Greer, "The President started talking like Boris Godunov. I'm not even joking, his accent morphed into a combination of Russian and Muslim. TERRORIST Muslim. Clearly, he intends to begin indoctinating our nation's children into his left-wing teachings and underhanded socialist values. I am urging parents to protect their children from this attack by the President. Keep your kids home from school. Do not let them watch the President's address. Fashion double-layer tin foil hats for their tiny heads. It's the only way to keep the socialism out."
Other sources inside the White House confirm that Obama has begun insisting that everyone call him "Comrade Obama" and has also ordered the kitchen staff to undergo hours of grueling goose stepping drills on the White House lawn.
Roy Patterson has three children in the D.C. public schools: "Yeah, I read a copy of the President's speech on the Internet, and I am OUTRAGED by his blatant use of the words "talent" and "responsibility". Nobody tells my kid he's smart, you got that? NOBODY."
Other critics of Obama's speech call him a "political pedophile", insisting that he's "going after the young ones" because they cannot protect themselves against his "socialist mind rays".
Despite all the controversy, Obama insists his speech is about telling kids to stay in school and study hard. "No matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it," the President says.
"Plus, this way I can brainwash them all at once with my hypnotic eye swirls."
The address is scheduled to air at noon eastern time on the White House website and on the C-SPAN cable network.