Thursday, October 29, 2009

In Which My Crazy Shows A Little

I just got an email from the Uza, which apparently is the premium online auction and classified website in KENYA. It's like Ebay, but with more flowing fabrics, apparently, where I can, "can buy and sell any item in Kenya," and they tell me, "It is the most cost effective way of advertising local goods and services." Fantastic, now I can get rid of all those sheep bladders I've got lying around. I'm wondering exactly where Team Uza Nunua got my email and exactly what they thought I'd be selling or buying in Kenya, Africa. Perhaps they need more vibrators over there? I hear the AIDS is a problem, so that theory kind of makes sense - the more the Kenyans "love the one they're with", so to speak, the fewer times I'll have to watch Philadelphia to remind myself I'm required to care about the Aids.

Wow. That was incredibly inappropriate.

Onto another topic of equal or lesser appropriate levels.

We just read the first four books of Milton's Paradise Lost about the angels' fall from heaven to Hell (which, according to Milton, is exactly like ancient Greece but with less nudity), and I found one aspect of this story particularly interesting.

And by interesting, I mean it made me want to shove the highlighter through my nasal cavity and into my brain just a little less than all the other parts.

So Lucifer is up in heaven when he has the VERY FIRST thought against God, which results in him birthing a smokin' hot babe out of his forehead (I shit you not), who turns out to be his daughter, Sin. Sin is so fucking hot that Lucifer does the unthinkable (unless you're south of the Mason Dixon) and he screws her, like, all the time.

Unfortunately for Sin, Lucifer gets a little busy with the whole trying to overthrow god thing, and basically ditches her there in heaven after he is cast into hell. Meanwhile, Sin is appointed to the task of watching the gates of hell and making sure they're locked and shit. You know, to keep all the demons down there where they belong.

Because apparently SIN is the responsible one.

It's around this time that Sin realized she's carrying good ole dad's incest spawn, and when she delivers the monster child (which nearly kills her, by the way), he's so enormous and misshapen than her entire body from the waist down basically explodes and she's left with streamers of entrails and whatnot.

Well, like a good chip off the ole' block, this new baby monster who happens to be named Death (convenient, huh?) runs after mommy and her entrails and he rapes her. Logistically, Im not sure where he decided to...stick everything, but he manages to figure it out, and now Sin is pregnant with Death's monster babies.

THESE babies turn out to be little yappy things like Yorkies or little Soleil Moon Fryes, and their eternal job is to spend an hour nipping at Sin's wasted feet and making all sorts of racket, and then after the hour is up they all run up her intestines and spend an hour chewing on her internal organs. Then they run back out and do it all over again.

I don't really remember the rest of the story because right about this time I had to stop and projectile vomit into the fern, but it's probably safe to say that somehow, some way, those puppies end up raping Jesus. That's the next logical step.

Oh, and also? Happy Halloween Eve-Eve.

Wow, that was both inappropriate AND a terrible ending to this post. Let's see if I can tie this all up neatly with a bow:

So then Sin goes to Dunn Brothers and uses their free Wi-Fi (while the cashiers debate frantically over whether her trailing intestines is a violation of their "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" policy), and she logs onto Uza, where she searches the vast (and apparently convenient) selection of online Kenyan auctions and classified ads until she scores a sweet deal on a case of small dog muzzles, then she heads to the Kenya to pick up her merchandise and end her eternity of suffering via stupid little dogs.

Unfortunately the pilots on her flight overshoot the Kenyan airport and end up in Switzerland where Sin is then raped by Roman Polanski, the offspring of which turns out to be her 20th child, and she therefore usurps the Duggars and is offered a reality show on TLC, but filming stops immediately upon the revelation that Sin is now afflicted with the AIDS, which oddly enough she contracted from a contaminated needle while donating blood.

Eat THAT tragedIE, Shakespeare! BOO YAH!!