Thursday, October 22, 2009

Making Sense: Not Included

Ugh, you guys. I am totally beat.

It sorta feels like some hoochie mama in spandex with perky nipples and acrylic nails gave me a good pop square in the nose, presumably because I looked at her cross-wise or because she was hammered enough on ecstasy and cosmos to mistake me for her boyfriend Hernando, and she took offense to my making out with Gray, thinking I was cheating on her with a man (and a hairy one, at that), and I was lucky to escape with both eyes and only several chunks of hair missing. But no worries, 15 minutes later she was sitting on my lap and feeding me cocktail onions and trying (quite unsuccessfully, I might add) to give me a hand job under the table.

What I'm saying is that my nasal cavities are so dry and bloody and full of cracks that the outside portion is literally aching and sore to the touch.

I guess I'm worried I might get sick again. Again. Again.

What with all the people at work who have been out with strep throat and mysterious strains of illness bearing flu-like symptoms, and bronchitis and leprosy, I have an inkling I may have been exposed to the plague, and I'm feeling ragged and exhausted and ripe for the viral-picking. And Dr. Google totally agrees.

Dude named Dan, who happens to be in both of my classes, showed up on Tuesday night looking like Reagan from the Exorcist and declared (in a whisper) that he thinks he might have the swine flu. And then he sat in the chair beside me.


What the FUCK, Dan? Infect me much?

I get that this class is dick-sucking-difficult and that missing one of the soul-leaching lectures is the literary equivalent of slitting your wrists and using the blood to scrawl bad limericks on the shower wall THAT DON'T EVEN RHYME, but for Christ's sake: THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

And, of course by "children", I mean "my ability to party like an 80s rock star on Halloween". It is vital that I Get Physical like Olivia Newton John. I cannot be ill.

So Dan proceeded to drip and moan and sleep through the first half of class before bailing during the break at 7:40. Good riddance, I thought. Get thee to a nunnery, motherfucker, and keep those germs away from me!

And then. THEN. Dan showed up for class last night. Again. He said he's feeling a little better, and I commented after the break that he lasted longer than the night before, but he informed me he was, "fading fast" which of course I took to mean that he was INFECTING US ALL WITH HIS DEATH RAYS.

I am buying a mask tomorrow. And probably some latex gloves. At least I know I can use those for other, practical duties in the bedroom.

ACHOO! and I NEED A NAP! and ANYONE HAVE A TAMPON? (totally unrelated, but equally urgent medical emergency).

PS- for my roomie Veronica: YES I HAVE TAKEN EMERGEN-C.
PPS - the upside to my impending demise is that I will finally have time to catch up on my Google Reader whilst I convalesce, which right now is so full with unread blogs that it's threatening to explode and break the internet, so I know some of you are rooting for me to get cancer so I'll be out longer. You assholes!