Friday, November 13, 2009

Counting Down

So, I took my first dose of Chantix this morning. The package says it must be taken on a full stomach, in the morning, with a full glass of water. So that means I ate a baked potato at 7:00 a.m. That was fucking weird.

Otherwise, I haven't noticed any side effects. Then again, it's only been 4 hours. There are DAYS left for me to be crazy. Here, read the side effects. They look fun:

Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems before taking CHANTIX, as these symptoms may worsen while taking CHANTIX.

Kind of sounds like I'm ::this:: close from loading up on uranium and taking out a Quaker school full of babies and kittens, huh?

Don't worry about me, though. I have some friends on a "observe and report" mission. I sent them this list of side effects, and told them that if I show up to work barefoot and wielding a baseball bat, BE AFRAID. But if I show up with a flask and no makeup on my face, it's business as usual.

We've also devised an early warning system for their own, personal safety. Each morning, I email them my "Mood Forecast" with either a picture of a happy face or a picture of a frowny face. This is intended to let them know if I'm likely to skin them alive BEFORE they come say good morning.

I'm pretty sure we've covered all the bases, except for the whole "eating inappropriate foods for breakfast like potatoes and Twix bars" thing, which I intend to remedy immediately with beef jerky and Grey Goose.

So really, what could go wrong?

By the way, if you don't hear from me for more than a couple of days, you should probably send over the bomb squad. You know, just in case.