Tiger Woods Sleeps With Self, Mistresses

AP - 34 minutes ago

Orlando, Florida

Amid persistent rumours of infidelity and domestic discord, Tiger Woods issued a statement this morning on his blog (Tiger Woods.com) in which he admits that he has been involved in numerous "self-touching" affairs since his marriage to Elin Nordegren in 2004.

"I am ashamed of my behavior and how it has affected both my foreskin and my family," writes Woods, "but I ask that the media respect our privacy during this difficult time. And that you deliver a case of Jergens to my home by this afternoon."

Woods, formerly known as sports' Golden Child for his squeaky clean reputation, has recently been accused of sleeping with several women over a period of roughly 6 years, two of whom have come forward with confessions of the affairs.

Most shocking, perhaps, are the allegations that Woods has been secretly meeting with himself in hotels all over the world to "beat off", spending as much as $14,000 on romantic suites from Rome to Sydney, in order to "romance the stones".

TMZ is reporting that Woods' housekeeper found an entire hidden passageway in his Florida mansion that Woods' used to store his collection of Taboo Anal Pleasures I through XXX, as well as several "home movies" of himself and his hand frolicking on vacation in Tahiti.

"Married or not, there is tremendous pressure on professional athletes to touch themselves," says Dr. Larry Boyde of the International Institution for Masturbation and the Arts. "These men travel almost constantly, and the price for maintaining prostitutes becomes increasingly exorbitant as the risk of discovery by the media increases. It is only natural, in these cases, that men like Tiger Woods might resort to masturbation."

In this photo from 2007, Woods slips in a little "quiet time" with his left hand below the hill, out of sight of the cameras.

Boyde believes that Woods developed romantic feelings for his "wanky" after the birth of his second child 9 months ago. "He was feeling neglected by his wife, and he probably just wanted someone to tug on his trailer once in a while."

That someone, claims Woods, was Woods.

Speculation on whether Woods' sponsors would pull out of their contracts prompted Nike to issue a statement supporting Woods: "Like we've always said...Just Do It. If we wanted to qualify what "It" meant, we would have done so long ago."