Friday, April 23, 2010

Coffee Enemas. Really? Do I Even Have to Ask?

I wonder things.

I wonder why some people call hot dogs "franks". Did all the hot dogs used to belong to Frank or something? Did people go around saying, "I'm in the mood for a hot dog, better go see if Frank is home"? And what is the difference between a frank and a wiener? Did they name wieners after penises or did they name penises after wieners? Why are hot dogs shaped like penises instead of pancakes. Or vulvae.

I wonder who discovered enemas. I wonder who decided that squirting water up their ass would relieve constipation. I would have been afraid it would wash everything out the other way, in the direction the water is flowing, like what happens every time you spray water on everything else in the history of the world. And how did this person test the first enema bag? Did they squirt water up their own ass, or did they use a corpse? A volunteer? Siegfried?

Why is there one bristly, black hair that grows out of my boob where the skin meets the nipple? Why only there, and why does it keep coming back? Will there be more of them, or will I be entirely bald one day except for my lone boob hair? If I went into a salon, do you think they might wax it for me? How much would that cost in comparison to, say, a Brazilian: one hair vs. lots of hairs. Or do they charge for being subjected to nudity, not for the actual waxing?

How do professional masseuses pretend they don't hate giving massages? Why can't I call masseuses "moose" without getting dirty looks? That's probably how Asians say it, anyway. And where do moose go when they want a massage, to another moose? And if so, do they spend all 55 minutes thinking about how they would have done it differently? Do they hate that fucking spa music as much as we do? Do they cancel appointments because of bacne, too?

Who decided what artificial grape flavoring would taste like and why not make it taste like grapes? Watermelon, too, for that matter. Lemon always tastes like lemon and banana always tastes like banana, but never have I ever eaten anything that claimed to be watermelon-flavored that tasted even remotely like a watermelon. Do some people, when they eat real watermelon for the first time, cry out, "This doesn't taste like Jolly Ranchers!" Could I create a pomegranate candy that tastes like fresh linen?

Where the fuck do dust bunnies come from if you don't have pets? Do people really shed that much, or does regular dust get moldy and grow fuzz? Are animals sneaking into my house during the day in order to repopulate the dust bunny species? Or do they like to watch from the window as bend over when I clean them up? Are animals perverts? And could the Catholic church somehow use this theory to their advantage?

Who decided that "mint" was going to be the flavor of toothpaste? Or the flavor of mints, for that matter.

If the water in Australian toilets flushes counter-clockwise, do Australian cowlicks fall the wrong way, too?

You know the guy who invented the eternity diamonds? The ones made out of the ashes of your dearly departed loved ones? What the fuck is wrong with that guy?

Who invented the tampon, and why have they not come out with a version for the ass? What determines whether a woman will be a "finger-propelled tampon" user or an "applicator tampon" user? Are maxi-pad women a-sexual? And did someone try out the first tampon prototype before someone else realized they needed to add a string?

Why does the inside of my windshield seem to be made of spit wads the consistency of peanut butter whenever I try to clean the glass? WHY CAN'T I CLEAN THE GLASS?

Who decided to name the Go Green movement "green"? Isn't there more of the color blue on the planet than green? If all we care about is the green part, why can't we just dump everything in the ocean?

For the love of god, who told Madonna that "blond corpse" was a good look for her?

Who gets to name cocktails and why isn't there one called a Hairy Armpit? And who is the lame motherfucker who came up with Jag Bomb? It's like they weren't even trying.

If I get a nose job, should I do it before I have kids so that they will only be traumatized by mommy's physical insecurities when they look at our wedding album?

Mouth grills? REALLY?

Who decided it wasn't cool to eat cat, but rabbit is totally yummy? I mean think about which one is cuter: Garfield vs. Thumper. Everyone is going to pick Bambi's pal Thumper (even if it's only because of the vague sexuality of her name).

The Internet. do they get all those tiny people in there?

You? Yes, you. Why the hell are you still reading this? Go have a Friday.