Saturday, May 15, 2010

That We Were Driving Away is NOT a Valid Detail, Assholes.

We made an offer on a short-sale property about five weeks ago.

I say "about five weeks" as if I have no idea how long it's been, which is true because I had to ask my realtor this morning, "Hey, so when was it again that I signed a contract for hundreds of thousands of dollars? It seems to have slipped my mind, slid right down onto the floor. It's probably somewhere between my diamond shoes and my stacks of hundred-dollar bills". How does one forget such a large purchase?

We are at a point in the short-sale process where Gray and I can decide to back out of the purchase agreement at any time, like due to an unsatisfactory inspection, or the fact that I've had to shave my legs a dozen times and we still haven't heard a fucking PEEP about our offer. Up until week four of waiting waiting waiting, I kept religious count of the days because OHMYGOD just give us an answer already, you hateful Third Party Approver! This is tortch-uuuuure. Sitxy days may not be much to a bank, but for holy christ's sake, this is our HOME we're talking about, do you understand? I can haz panik attax up in here.

We've continued looking at houses while we wait to hear from the third party negotiator, and we haven't found much else that we like except the one that was WAY over our budget, in which case WE LOVE IT, and when will they drop the price by 50%, do you think, oh realtor of ours?

Last night, Gray stayed home sick in bed while us ladies ventured out in the rain to look at a few more houses (surprisingly, all five of them were habitable properties), and because Gray was home sick in bed, well then OF FUCKING COURSE. I found the house that we must have. We must have it immediately, and it must be ours. It will be ours with the having and the wanting. I WANT THAT HOUSE.

Jesus wants me to have that house and I know this because of the brilliant double rainbow which shone down upon the car as we drove away from the property. I called Gray.

"It's a sign!"

"It is, huh?"


"You don't believe in signs."

"But I DO believe in RAINBOWS."

"I guess I'll have to go look at it then." *

The soonest our realtor can show him the house is Sunday evening, but I want to put in an offer tonight because otherwise I am convinced it will have sold by the time Gray sees it, except that buying a house without showing it to your future husband is generally frowned upon, but on the other hand they’re having an open house on Sunday afternoon and either it will sell before Gray gets to see it or there will be multiple offers by the time we make ours, but it's okay because I calculated that if I make an offer today and give the sellers only 24 hours to respond, they’d have to at least consider my offer BEFORE the open house, which is ideal because if they don't, then I am sure that dozens of people will be flinging wads of cash and promising them their first born children in exchange for MY HOUSE.

So I’m a little bummed, is what I’m saying.


* The only part that really happened was that I called Gray about the rainbow being a sign, but I didn't hear his response because I wasn't listening because really...his opinion doesn't matter. But don't tell him, he doesn't know. It's soooo cute.