Saturday, August 21, 2010

Hit It While You Still Can, Guys

Somewhere between the church and the courthouse, the United States Postal Service lost our signed marriage license, which means that Gray and I aren't *technically* married yet. He argues that we're married in the eyes of god, but he forgets that I don't BELIEVE in god, so to me it's the same thing as him saying we got married on the playground. The pretend playground. In front of invisible people. Goddamn if that wasn't the most expensive recess EVER.

At first I was upset about it because I was just in NYC and there were hot guys everywhere - and Susan's tits were awesome - but I was all like, "BACK OFF, MISTER. I'm a married woman." and now I find out I totally could have both gotten laid AND gotten a free Mr. Potato Head, which means it would have been the best Thursday of my ENTIRE LIFE, except instead I was relegated to explaining that I was married, yes, but not to the Mr. Potato Head I was toting under my arm. If I'd have known I was still single, the toy would have made more sense. Then I decided it was okay because there's not a fucking thing under the sun I can do about it.

Plus, you know, BLOG POST and shit.

Apparently, they are unable to accept our souvenir copy of the marriage license even if we also produce PHOTOGRAPHS OF US SIGNING THE ACTUAL MARRIAGE LICENSE... we're going to the county service center (and if USPS would like to reimburse me for the time I'll spend NOT at work because I'm busy fixing their mistake, I'm pretty sure you know my address...)(( birthday card from my dad was post dated April seventh but didn't show up until June, so maybe not...)) and we have to apply for a replacement license which must then be completed by ourselves, our pastor who officiated the ceremony, and two witnesses from our wedding, and then per Gray's brilliant suggestion, we're going to walk that shit into the county offices ourselves and stand there while we watch them enter it into the computer because SERIOUSLY MOTHERFUCKERS? LOST?!?!?