Please Hug Me When You See Me Crouched In A Corner Breathing Into A Paper Bag

So...BlogHer.

I'm already ready to punch myself in the face. There is nothing worse than, for two weeks in August, reading about this stupid conference on every.single.blog. on the face of the planet. Especially if you're not attending the conference. ESPECIALLY if you don't give a fuck that you're not attending the conference. Which is probably most of you.

My reader base isn't exactly known for embracing organized events.

Yet here I am: blogging about BlogHer. Because I'm going. Tomorrow. By myself. TO NEW YORK CITY. I would be lying if I told you that I am not so fucking nervous that I shit in my pants a little bit when I realized I would be taking two trains from La Guardia to Manhattan during rush hour. By myself.

Did I mention I'm a nervous flyer? I never used to be - that was the benefit of having divorced parents: I flew all over the damn country most of my life and could draw the terminal layouts of every airport between Kansas City and Los Angeles (and denote each McDonald's within those terminals with giant hearts and smiley faces). Something about growing older (and watching airplanes fly into giant buildings ((IN NEW YORK WHERE I AM GOING BY MYSELF))) amplified my fear of heights and morphed it into a fear of flying. Lets just say I'll be drinking heavily, but I have a layover in Milwaukee, so nobody will be able to tell me apart from the locals.

Although I'll be lucky if I don't end up in Guatemala.

There is one detrimental effect of the BlogHer conferences on the Blogging Community, if you ask me, is the incessant Linking To Other Blogs and Name Dropping Other Bloggers. Nobody wants to read about the friends you made, and unless we're talking Heather Armstrong or Jesus Christ himself, THESE PEOPLE MEAN NOTHING TO US. So Snuggledybumpkin from sadcatlady.com can suck my dick because I really don't want to read about who you met in the elevator on Day 1.

There are simply too many bloggers who write in waaaaay too many different genres for name-dropping to be effective. It's a numbers game, and it's safe to assume most of you have never heard of the women who I'm dying to meet this weekend, and therefore it's safe to say that you want me to just shutthefuckup already.

JENNY LAWSON!

Ok, there - got that out of my system. And now that we're clear about how I feel, let me contradict myself straight away and introduce to you the poor things who must share a hotel room with me at BlogHer, and I'd be lying again if I told you I've caught up on any of these (I'm sure) awesome blogs because I've been far too busy reading Under the Dome and picking my nose:

Elizabeth writes over at Her New Deal. I'm pretty sure she'll be my favorite because she's pregnant and that means A) BABIESOMFGSCREELEMMETOUCHBELLY and also B) more booze for me.

Summer hails from Utah. You might know her as that chick who always comments on Kel's blog, or the one that Sarah Neilson always blames for shit.  I know her as Summer. She writes at Blogfully Yours.

Finally, there's Rachel. She doesn't poop, but she does write at Live It, Love It.

And now that I'm officially part of the Obnoxious BlogHer Order, I shall leave thee (to hyperventilate into a brown paper sack because OMG CAN I BRING M&Ms ON AN AIRPLANE OR WILL THEY ARREST ME FOR THAT?).

PS - Please pray that Gray doesn't die of a coronary from all the fruit pies, Mountain Dew and Reeses Pieces he'll be eating for "supper" while I'm away. Or from the pictures I text him.