American Picker

I have to stop buying things, which is particularly hard when I keep finding awesome deals on things we actually need but can't afford anyway, and by "need" I mean "prefer to have rather than not".

Craig's List is my gay lover in that I wish I knew how to Quit it.

I've furnished an entire house (and then some) by obsessively scanning the For Sale listings, weeding through the absolute fucking TRASH that some people seem to feel is worth a hell of a lot more money than they'll ever see for it, watching for the occasional gem of an item that I cannot live without. For example, I found our queen platform bed and mattress, never used except to stage homes, for $200. Only catch was that I had to go pick it up, which is hardly a "catch" when you're as used to picking things up as a business man cruisin' the hood.

Gray tried to cut me off and I threatened to hide his PS3 remote. Let's just say we reached an Understanding.

Our new place has hardwood floors, which rocks for us because OOOH PRETTY! but our poor dog can't stand on wood floors, he's much more likely to slide into a laying position, which is okay with us except that when he tries to stand up he looks exactly like baby Bambie on the frozen pond, which is to say he is a blur of limbs. We need rugs.

HALP ME.

Last night, I scored two matching 8' x 11' floor rugs for $150, which anyone who knows anything about ANYTHING will tell you is a damn good deal for area rugs of that size. They're in awesome shape, match our decor, and will prevent our poor dog from amusing us with another graceful face-plant. Plus, I got to spend an hour our on my deck with my new steam vac and my new floor coverings, singing the soundtrack to Annie at the top of my lungs and effectively ruining our relationship with the new neighbors. It was like Christmas, but with better presents.

I've also bought a guest bed, a brass headboard and foot board for the guest bed, a pineapple lamp, two chandeliers and two hardwired wall sconces, a couch, chair and ottoman for the sun porch, another couch for the man cave, an ottoman for the living room, and a bunch of other crap I can't remember.

Then there are the garage sales, which supplied us with a dozen dining chairs, and a pair of media cabinets. Not to mention all of the free stuff I grabbed from people's garbage: night tables, deck chairs, two antique trunks, step stools, wooden chairs and lamp shades.

I also bought a giant, wooden table that I found sitting in someones driveway. This will be our dining room table; that is, AFTER I've "Indoor-ized" it by pounding in rusty nails, sanding it waaaaay down so it doesn't stab our dinner guests, and sealed the surface in preparation for the inevitable wine-spillage.

Which reminds me that I bought a counter-height wooden table that I intend to use as a kitchen island, but not until I remove the existing kitchen island.

Which reminds me, I want to re-tile the floor while I'm at it, and I just happened to see a listing for slate floor tile on Craig's List...