Birth Announcement. Kind of.

Introducing Roger “Matilda” Woodyson

Born 5:45 p.m. on February 23rd, 2011

Delivered in the company of two men and one very buff woman.

As you can see from the photos, this baby was breech.

 

1,000,000 lbs 2 oz,

8' 25” long,

Mother and baby are doing just fine. Send nipple cream.

Cannot get the motherfucking pictures to ROTATE. Broke my tailbone just trying to make that happen.

Anyway, this beautiful baby is the table I bought from Meighan back in September. My intention was to refinish it and use it as a stunningly rustic dining room table because it's got that "harvest table" look without the multi-hundreds of dollars price tag. This thing is HEW-MUNG-GO and can easily seat ten dinner guests, which was kind of the reason I fell in love with the dining room at our new place: It's big enough to serve people NOT on their laps.

Unfortunately because of my brain pain, I didn't get a chance to start on this project before Jesus smote us with the coldest fucking weather in the history of Biblical plagues, so Gray purchased a couple of heating towers so that I could work on the table in the garage and not lose my nipples to frostbite.

Also unfortunate is our inherited, crazy-ass electrical wiring in the garage because when Gray plugged in the heaters, the circuit blew and we've been unable to get the power back on. No lights, no garage doors, no heater = effectively NO GARAGE.

But folks: I am TIRED of eating dinner on the couch and I am TIRED of not inviting dinner guests because I'm embarrassed to feed them on the blue folding card table that I stole from someones garbage in south Minneapolis (sorry Jeanne)((that's the name written on it, anyway)) and I decided the only way to Make! Table! Happen! was to plan a big dinner party (i.e. implement a deadline) so last night, Gray got his minions to move the damn table into our front porch.

Now I can sand to my little heart's content and I can hem and haw (because the past five months of doing so hasn't yielded a solution) regarding whether I should stain the table, oil the table, paint the table, paint and then distress the paint on the table, or just poly the fuck out of it and leave the weathered finish (which is what I'm leaning towards because of the overall style I'm going for)((rusty-vintage-chic)).

I am so beyond excited that this table thing is finally happening because now I am motivated to pick up some paint for the living and dining rooms (DONE!) and start recovering chair cushions (DONE!) and HOT DAMN my dining room is going to be pretty when I'm with the wall of mirrors, which has to be soon, because I've got hungry guests descending in a month.

It's going to be perfect. Just as I imagined it all these months.

Only...my brawny she-friend Red brought up a good point: If I'm going to dance on that table, I'm going to need a different chandelier. The existing, dangly thing is another head injury waiting to happen.